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I want to have sex with the words “social media” but my wife won’t let me. Help!

Everyone likes doggos, even destitute students! If you’re feeling fuzzy, tweet a picture of your beautiful dog Fido. The kids will eat that shit up — and the more doggo pics you send out, the more likely people will forget that you caved to alumni donors who threatened to stop their donations after you disinvited a speaker accused of abusing multiple Indigenous children.

We all have to work with people we just don’t see eye to eye with, but making them feel heard before you use the corporate power of the Board of Governors to quash them is essential to a healthy working relationship.

Guest Globe and Mail reporter Andy Roo was kind enough to take time away from quote-tweeting Jardon Porterson to pen a gleefully sycophantic fluff piece on one of the most powerful people in the country.

I’m told I should look like the cool president who advocates for affordability. But I also need to keep the donors happy by constantly building things, so I find it’s best to just say we won’t break the law and hope people assume that’s meaningful.


“This is a beautiful story for people of all ages with a beautiful moral: if you just hang around long enough, good things will happen to you.”

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