Gabey Lucas

Ah, the start of second term. The sparrows are chirping, the syllabi printing... Nothing can hold you back. Yes, you! This is your time for a fresh start! So grab life by the yoohas, get Adele unstuck from your head and let’s get stoked.

Some kids enter university having spent their high school days on top of the world. You know these people – they were essentially the basis for Jack and Diane, or would have been had that song not preceded all of our births by at least 10 years.

As far as I’m concerned, the Western Hemisphere should create our own language just to stick it to the Old World. I say this not only on behalf of Americans in Canada, but Canadians in America, Brazilians in Mexico, Chileans in Québec and so on.

When some really cool friends (I’m talking had-phones-since-sixth-grade cool) asked me about it, I told them I wanted one, but my mom is “meh." This was a lie, but she'd get her revenge years later when she told me, “That outfit looks great on you."

Its versatility has been used as evidence of divine presence. “I’ll Make Love to You” is widely accepted to be about a wheel of chevre. Cheese is patient, cheese is kind. Cheese does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Without all the school things I don’t want to be doing — such as writing essays or overhearing Janette from Kamloops bitch about her nailbeds during lecture — this pile of words would never come to life.

As such — and as a connoisseur in really really really wanting, but not being able to, cuddle your dog because they are a billion miles away — I’ve written up a handy dandy “How to,” complete with everything you need to cope.

I can say with certainty that somewhere that night were many angsty teens whose acoustic variations of the same song were all bested by Totally Not The UBC Men’s Rugby Team, simply because they were really, really loud. And that’s all it takes.

All pretty crappy ideas, right? You might not think so now, but like that Celtic armband tattoo 17-year-old you thought “really expresses universal human spirituality,” you’ll probably realize how dumb that is a few years down the line.

When I started writing this installment of Only Partially Relevant, I intended to do the usual — some combination of jokes n’ such about who-knows-what and who-cares-why. And then last Tuesday happened.

And besides, technically I’ve been getting into the spirit since October by sending my relatives potential gift ideas with passive aggressive messages along the lines of “hey, look at this neat clothing item/accessory/four-litre bottle of Jameson!

The local scene is so happening that if you went to a show every day of the week, it would be quite some time before you'd have to go back again. So for those of you looking to traverse the comedy rooms of this city, here are some places to start:

Automatic sinks being everywhere is pretty much how I imagine the Soviets’ last-ditch attempts to keep themselves stable — real top-level malarkey that looks all fancy in an attempt to mask how everything is falling apart and awful.

You may have heard — incorrectly, granted — that Natalie is from Pluto, or that she is a conglomerate of Wall Street day-traders hiding in the U-bend of a Nest toilet to avoid taking responsibility for the 2007 stock market crash.

But yes, dinner club will absolutely motivate friends to get off their gross behinds and see each other. This is because humans are no different from Pavlovian dogs, except we have opposable thumbs. Also, less tapeworms.