Gabey Lucas

As far as I’m concerned, the Western Hemisphere should create our own language just to stick it to the Old World. I say this not only on behalf of Americans in Canada, but Canadians in America, Brazilians in Mexico, Chileans in Québec and so on.

When some really cool friends (I’m talking had-phones-since-sixth-grade cool) asked me about it, I told them I wanted one, but my mom is “meh." This was a lie, but she'd get her revenge years later when she told me, “That outfit looks great on you."

Its versatility has been used as evidence of divine presence. “I’ll Make Love to You” is widely accepted to be about a wheel of chevre. Cheese is patient, cheese is kind. Cheese does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Without all the school things I don’t want to be doing — such as writing essays or overhearing Janette from Kamloops bitch about her nailbeds during lecture — this pile of words would never come to life.

I can say with certainty that somewhere that night were many angsty teens whose acoustic variations of the same song were all bested by Totally Not The UBC Men’s Rugby Team, simply because they were really, really loud. And that’s all it takes.

And besides, technically I’ve been getting into the spirit since October by sending my relatives potential gift ideas with passive aggressive messages along the lines of “hey, look at this neat clothing item/accessory/four-litre bottle of Jameson!

You may have heard — incorrectly, granted — that Natalie is from Pluto, or that she is a conglomerate of Wall Street day-traders hiding in the U-bend of a Nest toilet to avoid taking responsibility for the 2007 stock market crash.

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