Tristan Wheeler

I looked at the charred remains of the book long after the flames went out. After what seemed like hours, an unabashedly naked man yelled from across the beach that he’s been watching me for a while and was wondering if I was okay.

Have you ever gazed at Buchanan tower in the mist and wondered what evils it concealed, or felt the prickle of the paranormal when receiving your grades? If so, UBC Goth knows how you feel and wraps those feelings in an existential, slightly throbbing bow.

Engineers sure do love their chants. The most important of them being about drinking 40 beers and drinking rum. It doesn’t take long to learn the chants since they’re repeated every three goddamn minutes.

I was going to go to my professor’s office hours to instigate an academic dialogue that would fully enrich my understanding of the course material.

But did you know there’s another, more beneficial way to write a term paper? Its called “writing it the night before” and here are four reasons why you should write all papers in a caffeinated haze at 3 a.m.

He was obviously very excited to be here, but maybe too excited. Within one minute of being in the office he had lapped the place about four times and had spoken to all twelve people present.

His current “Oh My Gad” tour is taking him all across Canada and the United States. Elmaleh will be performing at the Chan Center Sunday November 5.

There have been many moments where I’ve smelled a certain perfume, food, or natural aroma that transports me to a time in my childhood. Which is why the student produced smell of wet dog is so beautiful to me.

Central plumbing has become a luxury to me. When I hear a flushing toilet, a tear comes to my eyes. Water and porcelain sounds more beautiful than Mozart or a Radiohead album to me.

While I was sure UBC had secrets, and at least one chamber, I had a hard time believing there was a place that was both a chamber and filled with secrets.

AMS President Alan Ehrenholz ran officially as The Cairn in last year’s election, and unfortunately vandalizing him is not a long-standing tradition.

As soon as I made the reservation I felt I had implicated myself into a political cause. I was going to give my hard-earned dollars to the billionaire reality TV star, President Donald J. Trump.

I would be the most sick-ass owner. Me and my dog would crash sportscars and party on yachts all day. We’d wear sunglasses and have chilli dogs on the beach, and at night we’d hold each other close and eat dog food.

This was the only affectionate, or even physical, interaction I saw between these dozens of people. Jesus Christ the future looks bleak.

Some of you may have heard rumours of a creature called ‘the fish’ — they swim in water and eat pieces of filth that float in front of their two torpid eyes. They are one of the tastiest things around.