99 things to do at UBC: Housing woes, Sauder snakes and collisions on Main Mall

Kindly get off of your phone when walking along Main Mall during peak hours. Patrick Gillin

#1 -Find The Ubyssey

Second floor of Nest by the climbing wall. Easy. Next.

#2 – Write for The Ubyssey

Take a look at this. I’m writing for the hacks! Easy! Next.

#3 – Drink with The Ubyssey

Easier said than survived.

# 37 Cry about the Vancouver housing market

If you’re reading this now you likely live in Vancouver, somehow. If you’ve ever tried to get a place off campus you know what I’m talking about — painfully scrolling through Craigslist listings that are over two grand a month and within boxes made of reconstituted Styrofoam. My place fits this description. Central plumbing has become a luxury to me. When I hear a flushing toilet, a tear comes to my eyes. Water and porcelain sounds more beautiful than Mozart or a Radiohead album to me.

It would probably have been better to be caveman. They at least had heat in the form of fire. Me? I don’t. I shivered through the winter underneath layers of Walmart blankets and self-loathing.

What about a bed? Nope. I just have to position my body more more reclined in the same place I do everything else.

There’s no kitchen. I drink and eat whatever falls from the slumped waterlogged ceiling in my room/bathroom/kitchen/living room. I can’t even stand because the ceiling is so short and there’s no place to sit. The doctor says that my body can only withstand so long in a place like this. He’s given me 6 months to live.

I live underneath a sink and my life is falling apart.

#16 – Get literally bitten by a Sauder Snake

Sauder can be a scary place for people like me: a person who doesn’t own a suit. It’s a shiny, modern place where people learn how to do the networking and participate in the finances. I feel out of place whenever I’m inside.

The people who feel comfortable within its walls — business students — have gained notoriety on campus. They are cunning, profit orientated and cut throat — they will do anything for a buck. I didn’t know how severed this was until today.

I know that the moniker “snake” has become overused and hurtful, but this guy was literally hissing at me. His tongue darted in and out of his mouth as he walked in a serpentine motion towards me. I watched as a mouse shaped bulge was stuck in his neck from lunch. As soon as he was close enough to me I heard a rattle. I repeat, this is not a dig at BCom students, he had a temporal gland system used to produce a neurotoxin that immobilizes his prey for easy consumption.

This was an actual snake at Sauder and I got bit. Medical attention was needed. Unfortunately, the only antidote was major tax cuts along with organizing a networking social for his latest tech Startup.

#59 – Walk head-on into someone else on Main Mall because both of you were scrolling through Facebook

Class change over is a hassle. For about 10 minutes every hour hundreds of students run out into Main Mall, clogging the walkways with zoned out students and inconveniencing the dozens of bikers who just want to go really fast.

With this many people, collision is the name of the game. While most people have the wherewithal to know what’s going on around them, there’s been a few times where I’ve been too engrossed in my new favourite website — snake-facts.weebly.com — on my phone and crashed into someone.

My goal was to purposefully crash into someone, while distracted by social media. I scoped out the plaza in front of Koerner Library, waiting for the clock to strike 12:50 p.m. As soon as classes ended, people spilled out onto Main Mall. I surveyed the crowd, seeing who looked the most engrossed in their phone.

A guy lazily wandered his way down Main Mall: my first victim. Setting off towards him, enter distraction mode but before we collide, he dodges. I sputtered out “sorry man!” and he gave me a look that only happens when some stranger beelines towards you in a crowded veranda.

This happened a few more times and with each interaction it felt as if I was inching closer towards someone punching me. Success finally appeared in the form of me charging into a guy like a crazy person. At the last minute he turned away and I smacked right into his backpack.

I say this counts towards the list.