Where are the best vending machines on the UBC campus?

But is all this really the best we can do? Elizabeth Wang

Did you know that along with being North America’s Most International University™, UBC also specializes in bringing you the best variety of vending machines across campus? With items suited for every kind of need, UBC vending machines have specialized offerings depending on location, bringing consumerism to you and you to consumerism. The benefits are so bountiful, you will be astounded. Here’s a rundown of some of the vending machines on campus.

The bottom floor of the SRC

Need a quick energy drink before/after a workout? The Birdcoop has you covered! It offers a variety of healthy snacks such as trail mix and Clif bars, as well as an entire machine dedicated to getting you energy drinks so you can stare at yourself in the mirror while you do those bicep curls and hope to impress that cute trainer you saw the other day. Although I do think that the SRC could do better by adding fruits and vegetables in powder form to be chugged by those of us who have no time to have our veggies because we spend every waking hour working out.

Irving K. Barber

Midterms and papers got you stressed? Are you spending an ungodly number of hours of your life in the library? Fear not, IKB vending machines have arrived. While you can get actual food at Ike’s, the real thrill is spending all your money on unhealthy snacks from the machines on the second floor. Running out of highlighters or need batteries for some outlandish reason? IKB floor three has you covered, with a vending machine specializing solely in stationery. Scientists wonder if this one has ever been used. Take your chance, shoot your shot, be the first and be a trendsetter. Now that I think about it, wouldn’t it make more sense if we had these outside all the Buchanans too?

Honourable mentions

Residence machines offer you condoms (but they do nothing to make those dorm beds any less creaky) and overpriced electronics can be found in the machines in the Nest if you ever feel the need to impulsively buy expensive and fragile stuff that will drop a few feet to the bottom of a metal box before you can take it out.

But is all this really the best we can do?

The Aristotelian ideal of a UBC vending machine

While these are all incredible examples of how technology has progressed in the 21st century, we’re still waiting for the ideal UBC vending machine and I have some suggestions for how it should be stocked.

UBC embroidered neck cushions to sleep in class, squirrel- and raccoon-inspired collectibles to set you apart from all other West Coast schools with our rare and unique fauna, letters of encouragement hand-written by Santa Ono, Blue Chip cookies, sand from Wreck Beach to make you feel like you live by the ocean without having to climb 500 stairs, vintage T-Bird merch to appear ‘edgy’ and ‘fashionable’ and umbrellas because you know you were too overconfident when you walked out of your house today thinking that it wouldn’t rain.

So hurry! Get your hands on the goodies from those sweet, sweet UBC vending machines while supplies last.