How to balance your hoe phase with exam season

Find out how one balances sex, seasonal depression, the incoherency of existence and exams all in the same fortnight. File Isabella Falsetti

If you clicked on this article thinking it’ll tell you how to excel in both your academic and sex lives, you’re terribly mistaken. But what I CAN promise is that this article will give you a couple of solid tips (lol) on how to manage your time effectively.

And isn’t time management and efficiency what university life is all about? What else is Sauder overcharging y’all for?

Scroll on to find out how one balances sex, seasonal depression, the incoherency of existence and exams all in the same fortnight.

Rendezvous at the exam location the night before (or morning of)

What better way to manage time than to show up at the exam location a couple hours (or minutes, I guess, depending on your partner) before the exam to get a quick(ie) headstart?

Now this is a surefire way to make sure you a) don’t sleep through your final and b) actually get that adrenaline going. Imagine showing up at the SRC before your final, having a sick session, and then feeling super motivated to write that CONS 127 final you didn’t even study for. It’s like the head rush to beat all head rushes.

But if your exam is supposed to be in any of the Buchanan buildings, I’d strongly advise against it. Nothing about that is aphrodisiacal at all. Heck, Aphrodite is quaking just thinking about it.

Bathroom break!

Okay, now we’re really getting a run for our money with time. If the exam’s going super shitty and you need a quick stress break, nothing like faking the old IBS excuse to get down and dirty in a nice tight space before heading back to that disastrous final. It can’t go worse, so might as well do a bit to make it better.

I mean, will it relieve the stress? Probably. Will it make the final go magically better? Pardon my French, but fuck no!

You weren’t going to ace that final anyway… unless you actually did any work during those IKB “study sessions.”

Get a friend to take over your Tinder

If you grew up watching The Devil Wears Prada, you probably hoped to have an assistant who would juggle all your bullshit while you jetted off to do more important things. This is kind of like that. Emphasis on “kind of.”

While you’ve been busy studying for those finals to make mummy and daddy (whatever “daddy” means to you) proud, your Tinder’s been showing the hottest singles in your 10 km radius. And like another final you slept through, there goes another missed opportunity.

We all have those friends who only have one or two exams and complain about being stressed, while YOU have four to five finals, three papers, the Devil on your back and an untamed sex drive.

So get your friend to put on their best Anne Hathaway impersonation and pop out a pair of sexy glasses to take over as your very own PA in the exam period. God knows they have the time to do it.

And who knows what you like in bed more than your best friend (assuming you have/haven’t slept with them already…)? They’ve heard you complain enough to know that fishing pic = left, but goldfish pic = right.

So hand over your phone and let them take charge of the swiping, because there’s more than one surge coming your way.