Best places to take a shit at UBC

Thou shalt not poo adjacent to an occupied stall. Thou shalt not poo when the minute hand is between 50 and 59. Thou shalt not poo in the Pharmaceutical Sciences building because they already have enough to handle without your mess.

Buchanan D’s Third Floor

Bowel movements can be hard work. But when the reward is Buchanan D’s full-length mirror, the struggle is suddenly rendered a minor inconvenience. Despite it not being the most private space in the rush between classes, the top-floor bathrooms have the stall count to make up for it. Paired with the rarely occupied couches in the stairwell, Buch D is an antisocialite’s 50-minute Eden.

Lower IKB, Frederic Lasserre and the Old SUB Basement (RIP)

These are just a few of the bathrooms across campus that contribute to one of the most important parts of the excretion process — meaningful reading material. If you don’t have a copy of The Ubyssey handy, these stalls are the place for you. The walls are stained with 100 years of UBC history. Yes, that means Doris’ on-again-off-again relationship with Jerry in the year 1956 is documented in a pre-texting era sharpie conversation on the bathroom door. It’s a riveting read.

The Chan Centre

Anyone who is asked to point you in the direction of the best UBC bathrooms will direct you here. These facilities are particularly luxurious because UBC wants to impress the rich and fancy people who come to watch rich and fancy things being performed. Beware the taps though — a student fell down the sink and had to fight a basilisk once.

The Alumni Centre

Elevator music? Check. Marble-esque tiling? Check. Privacy? Never. Old people? Check.

Brock Hall Annex’s Bottom Floor

Legend has it that turning off the lights and chanting “Bloody Mary” three times alone in the dark will cause the face of that professor who failed you last semester to appear in the reflection of the mirror, making this the perfect bathroom for horror fanatics looking for the setting of their next short film. This washroom is hideous, but it has an ancient footbath. This is particularly handy because the only time anyone ever notices the dirtiness of their footwear is while they are squatting over the latrine.

The Nest, a floor or two up from the peasants

Climbing three flights of stairs just to escape other human beings? Worth it — especially if you can get over the fact that the tap water is always heartbreakingly warm and automatic flush toilets are the worst invention since asbestos.

Honourable mention: The roof of the “Tall Wood Building”