Ah, I see you eyeing my Fjallkinsporschel backpack. Do it’s bulging pockets entice you? Do the rain-soaked stains mesmerize you? I know you’ve seen me walking from class to class, looking like I'm about to be crushed to death by my own backpack. Would you believe me if I told you everything I own fits into this bag?
You see, every morning I fill this trusty bag to the brim with all the things I need in my day. I have all my meals: a breakfast burrito, a chicken salad sandwich, a bunch of Clif bars and a Ziploc container of spaghetti so big it could feed a family of four.
In the back I have my Macbook, an external disc drive, an extra computer tower and many loose wires — like, a bunch of them. Do you want one? I won’t need all these wires today, so you can totally have one. Please don’t take any of the teal ones. Those are my favourite and I’ve been having a hard time tracking them down.
In the front pouch I keep my wallet, my passport, a piece of loose leaf paper with my Social Insurance Number on it, my Master Student Financial Assistance Agreement and a print out of my ancestry.com family tree. Do you want to hear about my family tree? We have a cool crest that dates back to the 1600’s. I actually have a tattoo of it too. Yeah, my family and I all got matching ones a while back. Actually, it’s funny, my sister’s — oh, sorry, I forgot, I was talking about my backpack!
The little pouch inside the back is where I keep all my pens. I have a lot of pens.
The straps of my backpack is where I keep my extra extra Clif bars. I need a lot of Clif bars to replenish the energy I lose carrying around this giant backpack.
In my side pockets I have an umbrella and a UBC water bottle. My water bottle is always empty though, because that extra weight would throw off my centre of gravity.
Anyway, I’ll let you get back to studying. I’ll have to tell you all about my pins, patches and buttons some other time.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s new humour column. You can submit completed pieces or pitches to Angela O’Donnell at firstname.lastname@example.org.