The issue of what to do with the Perch space is made difficult by one serious issue — what the hell can the AMS put in there that would be so appealing to students that they’d actually go to the fourth floor of the Nest for it?
In light of its recent closure, I’d like to offer a few suggestions of ways to use the Perch space that students will love. Will they make the AMS money? Probably not. Will they actually worsen their debt? Most likely, yes. But life is meaningless and we’re all gonna die one day anyways, so we may as well just spoil ourselves.
I was originally going to suggest a cat cafe, but then I heard about the Thanks Nature sheep cafe in South Korea and I knew that things had to be taken to the next level. A sheep cafe in the Perch would bring in customers from all over Vancouver to see the sheep, but popularity isn’t the point — the point is that sheep are adorable and I want as many of them at UBC as possible. Seriously, just look at them!
Everybody loves ball pits, but social conventions have deemed that they’re “just for kids” — hence why I can barely fit down the slide that goes into the ball pit at Lonsdale Quay. If the AMS puts one in the Perch space, us university students can finally frolic in ball pits without kids, parents or security guards giving us weird looks! A slide would be great too, but it’s got to be made so that static electricity doesn’t roast me whenever I go down it.
A Massive Jacuzzi
There’s no simpler way to put it — a jacuzzi in the Nest would be pretty fucking awesome. Just imagine how relaxing it would be to spend a quality 15 minutes in a UBC jacuzzi after a long day of lectures and studying. It also has the potential to become a great social hub on campus where students can hang out, drink a few beers and meet new people. Put a minibar in the corner and students will flock to it in herds.
I’m no ice cream expert, but I have very strong opinions about Dairy Queen. Dilly bars, ice cream sandwiches, blizzards, traditional ice cream cones — they're all amazing. Also cake. UBC needs more cake and a Dairy Queen in the Perch space can get that done. Valentine’s Day and birthdays at UBC will never be the same.
There’s a lot of words you could use to describe UBC — beautiful, prestigious, expensive, corrupt, etc. — but dank has never been one of them. With 420 right behind us and the Liberal Government promising to legalize pot within a year, it’s only right that a pot-smoking room should come next. It’ll be like a little piece of Wreck Beach right up in the Nest.
Bow down to the queen, bitches.
Poor Tommy! Not only has he failed miserably in his quest to earn the most highly-regarded job in all of Canada, but he’s also going to be booted from his job as leader of the NDP! Tommy’s going to need a new job soon and I think situating him in the Perch space will be a great role for him. Students who are stressed, tired or just looking for something fun to do can observe Tommy in his new habitat, feed him Tim Hortons or even stroke his beard if he’s feeling particularly friendly. With a happy Tommy on campus to console the kids, everybody will be satisfied.