I recently realized that I have been receiving and sending the same email since March. “Stay safe,” “Unprecedented times,” “Sorry this is a couple days late!” Sound familiar?
While it’s easy to get bogged down in the baggage carousel of bullshit that is the online student inbox, I have come to appreciate the little treats at the end of each blandly generic email: the sign-off. It’s those little twists that let you know who’s behind the keyboard, and what they’re really trying to say.
Here are some of the most common subliminal messages to watch out for.
Sorry to bother you,
Someone who has a medium-sized panic attack every time they press send. Too socially anxious for the modern world, someone who is seriously considering living out their cottagecore fantasies in the forest instead of completing their arts degree.
Thank you for your time,
Confident type-A bitch who knows her worth, and is investing in the image that she respects yours too. Sorry to bother you once they get their shit together. This, we love to see.
Person who is absolutely trying to fuck. What are you regarding, warmly? My ass? Yeah, thought so.
This is a sign-off for someone who genuinely thinks LinkedIn is a dating app. The infuriating thing is that you know this charismatic mf is out there netwerking it, chatting up their future ex-wife. On LinkedIn.
All the best,
This is a tricky way to send a subliminal message that says: I am in fact the Best! So you should email me back or hire me or whatever, thank you.
Nobody says this.
Sorry Queen Elizabeth, but Canada is not part of the British Empire anymore!
Whimsical and endearing when it’s an older professional acquaintance you secretly have decided is your mom, so you can soak up every word of validation she drops in your inbox. When it comes from a peer or under-25-er however, send directly to spam. They are pretending to be a well-intentioned elderly person when they are in fact a 19-year-old psych major and anyone who would deceive in this way means you anything but “the best.”
Person who is now my wife (gender-neutral). I was envisioning a nautical theme for our Zoom wedding, but I’m flexible! Everyone should sign off every email like this.