Some are chunky, some are loud, some flake, some squeak… Today, we are rating — you guessed it — dogs. Woof. From the balconies of Wesbwook to the grass of the Bro’s Garden, these babies have explored every inch of our campus!
— Editor’s note: Except for the radioactive chum bucket across from Barkanan E.
Let’s dive in and rate some pups!
Barkenstocks
Long white socks, a varsity backpack and a second-hand bike from Gregslist. You are leaving your fifth rugby practice of the day. You almost ride your bike into a tree as you pedal back to your humble 30-person Thunderbird sublet/polycule. As you pick up speed, you feel a cool breeze rise and fall underneath your toes… but I digress.
While quite popular and stiff, nothing says “I have been up since 5 a.m.” like a pair of Barks. The foot-equivalent of a bob cut, they score a perfect 10/10 for breeze. Fashion-wise, fearing the power of the Bark, we decline to comment.
?/10
BONEverse All Stars
There are two wolves inside you: one that wants old Instagram back (#oversaturatedsunsets) and one lifting way too much weight at DogCoop. Boneverse All Stars are the Facebook of shoes — old. But there is something nostalgic (think early 2010s but in a post-ironic way) about these skater gators. We almost put them at a B-range, but where’s my arch support? Unfollow.
6/10
DOG Martens
Versatility? Check. Stompability? Check. You are not a member of cultured society in the halls of Barkanan if you are not sporting one of these leathery beasts. Is it raining today (a rare occurrence)? Put these on! Now, you can stomp away the anxieties of living through the climate crisis. They are the perfect pair for going to Barka to get drunk on and dunk on capitalism. Be warned: they’re a pain-in-the-ass to potty train (wear in).
8/10
White PAWdidas or Pumas
We have arrived: the silverfish of the shoe industry. Who made these so popular? Aren’t they just white shoes? But rest assured, your favourite influencer owns a pair and so does your Sauder sister and her village of BarkedIn followers. Step into the matrix of the Barkphora, lulubarkmon and “Barksilano girlie” community with these stunners. But make sure to keep them groomed at all times — these doggies love to get dirty, fast. Sun’s out, pumas out!
8/10
Costco SneakRRRRRs (in bulk)
Listen, they work! Timeless but styleless, these boys are a benchmark dog. Source: myself, an (executive membership) card-carrying first-generation immigrant. Plus, you get to match with all the moms on the R4! Win-win.
10/10
Rawdoggin' it (barefoot)
Wow. So impressive. We get it, you “boulder.”
5/10 Bite me.
This is part of The Ubyssey's 2023 spoof issue, explain!. To read more, click here.