Sunlight filtered through the Blue Chip Cookie Store windows, bringing me false hope that spring was just around the corner.
Francisco Upyors walked into the cafe with an alarmingly red bandana. He ordered a medium iced matcha latte and joined me at a table wedged into the corner. Though I had no idea who he was, I was forced to learn that Upyors is the visionary behind the Apple Orchard: The Residence fire alarm sound.
Before I could ask him if this was some elaborate hidden-camera prank, he launched into the story of what led him to his most infamous creation.
Holding my arms to the table, Upyors said the epiphany to create the sound struck him when he was at university. While residing in student housing, he realized how uninspired the fire alarm sound system was.
He said “no one seemed to care about the sound. They didn’t even bother to leave unless they saw smoke. They just tuned it out!”
Frustrated with people’s lack of care for such emergencies — because student housing is known for always having real fires — he designed a new sound.
Valiantly and completely unasked, Upyors worked day and night to find the perfect sound. He explained, waving his hands in front of my face to get my attention, that he was looking for a sound that drilled so deeply into someone’s brain they would become unhinged if exposed to it for more than a minute.
After discovering the perfect tone, he took it to then UBC President Santa Oh-no (RIP). It has since spread like wildfire (not like literal fire*) to every major building across BC.
*Don’t fact-check me on that. I didn’t care enough to look it up.
“It brought tears to my mother’s eyes. This is the reason I was put on this Earth,” said Upyors.
Despite the huge success of his invention, Upyors said, through his megaphone, that he doesn’t want any thanks or fame for his hard work.
“It is enough for me to know that every week when someone sets off the fire alarm in student housing, residents will be met with such an excruciating noise that they’ll have no choice but to run out of the building. Honestly, it helps me sleep at night."
This is part of The Ubyssey's 2023 spoof issue, explain!. To read more, click here.