Extreme rain sports to play in Vancouver so we can pretend we're in the Olympics

It’s like normal fencing only you get extra points for poking your opponent in the eye. Zubair Hirji

When most students hear the rain slamming on their windows like a deluge of broken dreams, they sigh. But I smile, because I see potential for something never done before: extreme rain sports.

Listen, screw the Olympics. We were not meant as a species to keep doing what some naked Greek men came up with. We were meant to explore. When you look at the rain, you might just see the dismal grey — but I see an opportunity.

Puddle Jumping

Wait the necessary 20 minutes for UBC’s drainage system to completely fail. Then do your best to clear the campuses super-puddles like the world’s wettest long jump.

If you’re not a wuss, wear your nicest shoes just to up the ante. Loser has to hear the squelching of their shoes all day like a constant reminder of their mediocrity, winner has a better chance of getting to class on time.

Umbrella fencing

It’s like normal fencing only you get extra points for poking your opponent in the eye. Also, if the match takes too long you might get pneumonia.

Rafting

Flood University Boulevard and do your best to stay standing as you whiz past your opponent and several semi-drowned students. The most dangerous part of this event is that even though the road is flooded, you’ll still manage to somehow get hit by a bike.

The Xtreme Rain Biathlon

The biathlon is the best sport you’ve never heard of because it somehow incorporates skiing and guns.

It’s hard to find snow and firearms in Vancouver — probably because people like me exist — so we’ll replace those with rollerblades and SuperSoakers. You have to blade around campus doing your best not to hit students (unless they’re at Sauder in which case you get bonus points) and spray marked campus landmarks.

Sound ridiculous? We’re talking about a sport that involves skiing and guns, child. It doesn’t get whackier from there, so bear with me.

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