From the Cult is The Ubyssey’s unofficial AMS Election coverage. If you want real news, go over to the news section.
Your feed erupts with niche political threads, your inbox has never been fuller and everyone wants to shake your hand. These omens can only mean it’s time for AMS Elections. Though this year is a bit different from times gone by, as the voting period will last for a raunchy three weeks period — thanks to not wanting to break the law. That’s a lot of time, so we wondered what other things could happen in that same amount of time. Here’s the skinny:
Hone a habit
The age-old wives’ tale speaks to the idea that if you do something daily for three weeks, it becomes ingrained enough in your routine and psyche that it turns into a veritable habit! The upside is that you can convert yourself into a working machine in less than a month. The requisite downside is that at the end of this campaigning period, you’ll have formed the habit of fearing those hypnotic, empty stares from the glossy posters in the Nest.
Create killer kombucha
The hustle-and-bustle of candidates and fact-checking can make a person’s life feel awfully hectic. My solution? Settle in and direct your focus to building a beautiful microcosm of microbiology with kombucha. Grab your SCOBY and a bit of cheesecloth because in these same 18 days of AMS campaigning, you can grow yourself a tasty drink with some natural carbonation to boot! In fact, you could slap the word “transparency” onto the jar and it could run a latecomer campaign of its own!
Riddle me this, would you rather have:
A: A student politician who is going to provide leadership to a multi-million dollar organization.
B: One and a half broods of opossums.
As any red-blooded person with a beating heart would, you probably chose those adorable marsupials.
“Wait!” You are likely shouting at your screen, “I certainly chose opossums as I am a genteel scholar, though I do so wonder as to what kinds of opossums have such a short gestation period!” — to which I commend you for your sharp intellect.
As it turns out, many opossum species — from the Virginia opossum (didelphis virginiana) to the Linnaeus’ mouse opossum (marmosa murina) — have such a short gestation period. These beasts, though very different in size and temperament, seem to share more in common than what meets the eye! Opossum are also well-regarded for their impressive memory, something that is quite unique in the animal kingdom — oh my god, the elections article!
Imagine you’re so fed up with elections that you decide to split town, but in a way that will conserve energy and make the most of your Dr. Scholls Insoles. The average walking speed is about 1.4 metres per second, which multiplied by the amount of seconds in three weeks gets you 2,500 kilometres. A sizeable distance, this would carry you quite a ways out of the Lower Mainland and unto a simpler land, where “AMS” only means something when there’s a preceding “Y”. This brisk walking pace, if set on an east-southeast course, would take you deep into Iowan territory where you’d only be a measly 1,600 kilometres from ending up in Virginia. What’s so special about Virginia, you ask? Well, that’s where the didelphis virginiana...