Are you struggling to show up less than 10 minutes early for your 8 a.m. lecture? Is listening to your professor talk about the new trick his cat, Brandii (spelled with two i’s), learned over the weekend not your ideal Monday morning conversation? If your time management skills are too good for your own good, this article is for you. With summer courses getting into full swing, here’s how to show up late for your 8 a.m. class.
Wear slippery shoes
Vancouver weather is currently blessing us all with loads of vitamin D (go to town with that sunscreen, folks!), but the weather will eventually start getting icky, rainy and miserable again. When it does, slippery shoes will be your knight in non-waterproof armour. Just strap on those non-weather-appropriate sandals or those pretty pink party shoes you haven’t ever worn and don’t remember buying and step onto the slippery path to your 8 a.m. class. You might (read: definitely) slip, fall and hurt yourself but the dignity you lose will be worth the comfy back-of-the-classroom seat you gain by not being the first puffy-eyed student to enter your 8 a.m. lecture.
Go clubbing the night before
Nothing screams “I’m going to be late for class,” like a good ol’ hangover. You will either be too hammered to get up on time or be dreaming about (and with) that guy you hooked up with the previous night. Either way, when the clock strikes 8, you will be as far away from an academic building as you were from a responsible choice the night before.
Turn off your roommate’s alarm
Let’s face it, you rarely ever get up from the sound of your own alarms, but when your roommate snoozes their morning alarm for the 29th time, your beauty sleep transforms into a beastly one. Turning off your roommate’s alarm will let you catch up on those crucial minutes/hours/days(?) of sleep you missed due to your important and healthy obsession with scrolling through instagram reels at midnight. Fuck 8 a.m. engineering classes, you need to celebrate the Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello reunion while watching John Cena savour every bit of his sandwich!
Pull your residence building’s fire alarm
If you’re living that res life, you know that fire alarms are a near-daily occurrence, so pulling one in your time of need will likely not give you any bad karma. But I make no promises because, unlike Ms. Swift, karma is NOT my boyfriend. Honestly, right now, no one is [cue sad background music].
Anyways.
Pulling your fire alarm early in the morning will leave the sensible and rational individual that you are no choice but to exit the building and wait for the fire brigade to do their thing before you go back in. Not only will this make you late for your class, you will even have a valid excuse for your professor. It’s win-win situation for you. The only casualties are a couple of inconvenienced students who probably had far more important things to do than live out your elaborate lie just so you could catch up on some extra minutes of sleep— honestly, shame on you! And fuck the firefighters, they aren’t even that important or whatever.
Life is too short to be “on time” and “a good person,” so pull that conveniently located fire alarm! You deserve it.
Blog is The Ubyssey’s humour section. Don't take us too seriously.