How to break your New Year's resolutions

Boris Bosnjakovic

Go to the gym

We all make this promise to ourselves come January 1. After the overindulgence of the holidays, it’s not uncommon to think you need to shave off a few pounds and tone those biceps. I made this resolution myself. On January 2 you’re out for a jog, on the third you’re at the gym lifting weights, and on the fourth you take a rest day. Those rest days were the best part of working out, the time to eat and do nothing and allow your body to recoup. Another rest day is usually in order, to ensure full recovery. Soon these rest days will take up most of your workout routine. Might as well make it a rest year.

Eat healthier

The first few days into the new year, you have a grocery cart full of nutrition. It’s got all those healthy items you’ve heard so much about: fruits, vegetables, oils distilled from strange plants. This will be a year of clean eating. Pure fuel for your body from here on out. Maybe have a few bags of chips and some ice cream for cheat days.

But after two weeks it’s really hard to argue that today is not a cheat day.

Drink less

You can have fun without booze! Nights of drinking hooch only makes you sick the next day, pack on the pounds and causes impassioned dancing to ABBA songs you’d rather everyone at your office Christmas party forgot. You can have just as much fun sober!

Watch as your friends sip beer and down shots, simultaneously relaxing and forgetting the stress of the coming semester. With a blood-alcohol level of 0, you can have a clear head, allowing you to remember that you should be doing readings, you have a quiz next week already and another exam season is on the horizon.

Never mind.

Quit smoking

For the non-smoker this is remarkably easy. All you need to do is try one cigarette and never smoke one again and cross this on off the list. Take one drag from that one cigarette, and never pick it up again. The first drag always sucks anyway, it’ll be easy. Just don’t let it relax you, or release any endorphins! Might as well reach for the next if it happens again...