Most common New Years resolutions that we've all had

Joshua Medicoff

Congratulations! You’ve made it to the second semester of the school year and through your first week of classes. With not only the start of a new semester but also the New Year, I’m betting most of you made at least one resolution to fulfill in 2017. Here are my completely unqualified suggestions on how to keep up on the most common New Year’s resolutions.

Eat healthier — Spend all your money on Whole Foods groceries and have them prepare pre-packaged meals for you that sound healthy, but are probably going to rot in your cupboard as you eat popcorn in your bed.

Exercise more — Run to McDonald’s. Or A&W. Or Triple O’s. When you have that cheeseburger craving, which I promise you will, just run there and you won’t feel as guilty indulging in a 600-calorie burger chalk-full of chemicals.

Attend all your classes — To all 8:30 a.m. classes: farewell. I’ll likely be seeing you in April for my exam which I will be completely unprepared for. Sincerely, every single student.

Get higher marks — *Opens $200 textbook on the first day of classes* *Opens it next time the day before the final exam*

Spend more time with loved ones — If you don’t live at home, Skype your dog at least once a week.  

Stay up to date on all course readings — Were we ever so keen? Possibly. Perhaps on our first day of first year.

Save more money — Ha-ha, we live in Vancouver... where the price of brunch is equal to my bi-weekly paycheck. Best of luck.  

Find a better job — But first, get your undergraduate degree. Then your master’s. Then your PhD. Don’t stop until you’ve got every single qualification you can possibly have and then get turned down for a job because of “lack of experience.”