Only partially relevant: God is punishing us with automatic sinks

Aiken Lao

Hello, and welcome to the year that should be, God-willing, better than last*. How was your December break? Good? Super good? Better than your roommate Cassandra’s? Whatever your answer, make sure you yell it audibly and provide no further context to the people silently studying around you. See the confusion on their faces? You’re welcome.

I think the best part of the break was not spending time in the Nest. This isn’t because the Nest isn’t fine and dandy, but rather because it was an excuse to get away from the non-functioning, auto-play sinks that I assume are God’s wrath for students consuming too many cheeseburgers (Exodus 23:19). Alternatively, it could be his punishment for the Thunderbirds’ propensity to take part in a ritual goat sacrifice and then — can you believe this? — wait more than two days before eating that hoofed beast (Leviticus 19:6)! I bet thine Holy Lord is up there right now, laughing it up at this amateur hour. That Yahweh — what a fickle goober.

But back to our punishment for goat shenanigans: automatic sinks being everywhere is pretty much how I imagine the Soviets’ last-ditch attempts to keep themselves stable — real top-level malarkey that looks all fancy in an attempt to mask how everything is falling apart and awful.

Now, I’m no worshipper of Marx, but I will suggest that he had a point when he said that “the production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.” Or at least, he definitely had a point when he said, “them automatic sinks are wack, yo. And while we’re at it, car touchscreens can suck a fat one.”

He unfortunately never got around to his thoughts on automatic toilets, which I bet he would have proposed as the lovechild of Gothmog and Ivan the Terrible.

To those who end up in research and development, I’m pleading with you. Or threatening you, if that’s more effective. Please get a bit more creative — nobody needs a new type of automatic-flushing toilet. Though if you develop one just to spite me, can you improve upon the thousands of models which refuse to flush less than six times while we’re pooping on it? This is, for me, a purely hypothetical situation since I’m a chick and have thus of course never pooped in my life.

How is it that we’re able to put robots on Mars but we have neither the creativity nor the drive to do anything with our remaining brains other than produce another godforsaken automatic sink or nincompoop-ish earbuds that accomplish nothing?

Meanwhile, I’ve got a list of things that actually need addressing:

  • Printers
  • Ambiguous push/pull doors
  • World peace
  • The cost of airfare departing and/or arriving in Canada
  • Printers
  • People calling themselves “foodies”
  • Rising global temperatures’ disproportionate effects on the global south based on the legacy of colonial superpowers manipulating local populations’ political and economic institutions, in the process scarring the socio-economic dynamic leading to an inability to accumulate capital across generations, and subsequently destroying the stability required for public infrastructure rebuild that would better fortify against natural disasters whose inevitable onslaught will ravage the food security of these areas
  • Printers

I know this has been a bit long-winded, but what I’m really trying to say is — to the future business people, R&D scientists, product engineers, concept creators, etc. — will you get on it, already?

I mean, if you can’t get my printer fixed, you better at least have cured AIDS, cancer and ALS by next Tuesday. (If you, for some reason I can’t comprehend, need more time to cure AIDS, cancer and ALS, email me at and I’ll consider granting an extension.)

And if the Nest sinks still suck by 2020, does anyone here own an ox with a history of goring people? Because that does not go unpunished by His Holiness (Exodus 21:29).

*lol just kidding we’re all gonna die