The Dingbat: How to survive the coyote uprising

Needless to say, we’ve got you covered on how to survive this unprecedented coyote uprising! File Steven Durfee

You’ve heard about them. If you live on campus, you might’ve seen them too. They come from the Magic Forest, but have also been spotted around the infamous Vanier Commonsblock now and then.

Mysterious, elusive, dark and brooding … no, I’m not listing the qualities of your latest Tinder boy, but the coyote gang that’s been prowling around campus all semester. Somehow it seems that Stanley Park’s infamous Good Boys have traveled all the way out to the coast to meet us, and have become an interesting addition to the usual gaggle of seagulls and raccoons on campus.

Needless to say, we’ve got you covered on how to survive this unprecedented coyote uprising!

Climb the flag pole

This is the true test of calisthenics for all the gym rats who have spent half their life’s earnings at Body Energy Club and Birdcoop. What better way to beat the big dogs by climbing to the one place they (probably) won’t be able to climb?

Chances are you’ll probably get a sick photo of campus from up there … but you may also get pecked at by the government’s notorious aerial agents (otherwise known as ‘birds’).

Dress up as a bear

You know what’s scarier than a regular-sized predator? A bigger predator.

There’s no better survival route than to embrace the true Canadian spirit and dress up like a grizzly for the winter. Firstly, you’ll definitely be warm for the upcoming chill (brr!). Secondly, you’ll probably become a hot topic on UBC Confessions. Thirdly, no human would even want to come around you, let alone a coyote.

Sounds like an invader-free fall to me!

Start partying at Wreck

Sadly, our creepy canines have become regular attendees at campus forest parties and have made appearances all over, ranging from the Magic Forest to Pacific Spirit Park.

The one place where they haven’t been spotted yet is Wreck Beach. Looks like they’re not too hot about the 500 stairs either ... which, I mean, fair.

So if you’re looking for a coyote-free Friday night with your first-year pals (who you’ll forget in a few months), perhaps it’s time to move the party to the beach.

Shower daily with the soap from Buchanan D

Any, and I promise you, ANY kid in Arts can attest to the fact that the bathrooms in Buchanan D (and everything in them) are made of stuff that could survive the zombie apocalypse. Heck, it already smells like the apocalypse in there.

If Buchanan D’s soap is enough to scare Miss Rona away, the coyotes should be no big challenge. All it takes is a few spritzes of the 90-per-cent-water-10-per-cent-soap concoction and you’re practically coated in bear mace.

The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour section. You can send pitches or completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca.