I had four midterms in one week. I was freaking out, so I complained to a friend while we smoked some weed before our study session. He said that shrooms might help me with my test anxiety. I decided it was worth a shot and would make a fun article. He called his shroom guy to hook me up.
I started out by GOOgOOing how to take shrooms and for some reason, a Who?byssey article from 2016 was the first GOOgOO result. Armed with the first three paragraphs (who reads a whole article?), shrooms and ginger, I felt ready for my midterm week. For the sake of this highly scientific, peerreview-pending experiment, dosage and exam conditions were kept as constant as possible. I do not own a scale so the amount of shrooms used was guesswork.
Exam one
The exam started, and then it ended. Importantly, I wasn’t anxious. I’m just not sure I answered any questions.
Exam two
This exam lasted forever. I am convinced it wasn’t 50 minutes but 8 hours. The blue light on my computer kept reconfiguring into kaleidoscope shapes. My professor is also really into colourful visuals — who knew a Golgi apparatus could be so pretty? This exam lasted forever, so I think I answered every question.
Exam three
I felt confident going into this one since I hadn’t been anxious yet. But boy was I wrong. I now understand what people mean by a bad trip. I don’t want to talk about it, but my editor told me I have to exploit myself for content. I made virtual eye contact with my professor and was convinced the whole time she knew I was tripping and that she was going to call the cops for my use of an illicit substance. Last time, my computer’s blue light made pretty shapes. This time, the blue light was judging me. It was awful. I had several panic attacks and my professor emailed me afterwards to check if I was okay because I had apparently spent the whole time crying. I love that my whole class has now seen me snotty cry.
Exam four
I asked my editor if I could end my experiment after my third exam. The coordinating editor emailed me back and said I was contractually required to keep going. My computer swayed. The blue light boogied. Time was stagnant and slowly ceased to exist. As the questions danced in front of me, I realized I was a genius and knew all of the answers to my exam. I definitely got 100 per cent.
I have yet to receive my results but I think I did alright. 75 per cent of the time I wasn’t anxious, and that’s a higher efficacy rate than some vaccines, so I would say it worked. To get your shroom exam help for finals, call 1-800-Shrooms.
This article is part of The Ubyssey’s 2021 spoof issue, NICE Magazine.