A tale of three Timmies: Judging the three Tim Hortons

Now, get out there and drink that sugar-bean water before you fail another midterm! File The Ubyssey

It’s official: we now have three separate Tim Hortons locations on campus. This prompts the question: which is the best one? Which location will provide you with cheap coffee at the highest speed? Which one will already be out of bagels? I spent an entire day eating only at the three Tims on campus and here are the results.

Breakfast at Sauder

Between an overpriced sushi counter and a pastiche burger joint, there was the beautiful cheap Iced Capp I desired. Behind a line that extended through the warm doors of Tim’s, I waited there with no hope of getting my caffeine anytime soon. Braving cold winds and rainy skies, I sought a warm smile from a stranger that no Sauder student would provide.

Luckily, and to my surprise, within the length of 15 short minutes (or three and a half songs), I was at the front of the infamous long line and beginning to order my coffee. Lesson learnt: don’t fall for the misconception that this line is unbearable and don’t give in to your impatience! The line is nothing more than an illusion and you will secure your coffee in no time.

Lunch at Forestry

Three hours later, I was in a much shorter line, ready to fuel my caffeine habit and maybe grab some lunch at the Forestry building location. In the midst of my favourite building on campus, filled with entertaining groups of students jumping around, there were bright smiles that lit through the covered faces. A kind stranger in front of me who started making conversation; I was convinced that this is the best Tim’s even before I ordered. Little did I know that the line would move slower than a turtle, while my impatience would rush faster than a rabbit. “Notoriously slow” is how the man in front of me described it. Thus began my 50-minute wait.

My unfortunate saga ended when the 12th song started beating in my ears and I grabbed my bag to head to class with no coffee or food to support me for the next few hours. The most devastating part of it all was seeing a student from my previous class sipping from her red cup from one of the other Tims.

Dinner at Walter Gage

Finally, I was here — the last stop to complete my mission. In under 10 minutes, I had secured a bacon and grilled cheese sandwich, a blueberry muffin and a hot chocolate. Listening to their skilfully-put-together playlist, I sat down at this Tim’s for over two hours and finished some of my assignments. A cute, quiet corner that not many students utilize, I was able to enjoy this Tim’s more than the other two combined.

Results

At the end of the day, the Walter Gage Tim Hortons reigns supreme, which follows the classic formula of “the more people know about it, the less satisfying your study experience will be.” Hopefully this piece doesn’t attract too much unwanted attention to this location. The forestry building, while incredibly slow, gives you time to catch up with some nicely-dressed forestry students, while the more-efficient Sauder location puts you in close contact with the business class of the future (do with that what you will).

What I want you to take away from this article — other than the croissant you bought when they told you they were out of bagels — is that no Tim’s is at it seems, and if something looks too good to be true, it probably is. Now, get out there and drink that sugar-bean water before you fail another midterm!