An investigation into the beer can floating in the Martha Piper Fountain

Was it the birb? Elizabeth Wang

So I’m walking past the Martha Piper Fountain as it is an integral component to my daily routine and to my shock and horror someone or something has desecrated our holy fountain. An empty beer can, crushed flat, floats deceivingly in its serene waters.

It’s like a crime scene and I’ve taken it upon myself to solve it. If I were a physics student, I would calculate the force required to crush the beer can; if I were a chemistry student I would test the water for DNA evidence; but as an arts student, my skills lie in pure speculation and filling up word counts.

Time of discovery: 7:13 a.m. Reported by a student: Me.

Evidence: Beer is probably of the cheap variety, though I don’t know for sure since I don’t drink because that would be illegal and I am a morally upright citizen. The can is crushed, almost entirely folded in half.


Was it a drunk freshman? A frat bro? A component of some kid’s initiation to some club? Maybe there was a pool party that I wasn’t invited to :( ?

That last thought bums me out a little.

Who could it be? Who could have done this?

Was it the birb?

Are we not all, in some ways, crushed beer cans floating in the algae covered fountain that is life. Is birb our uncaring creator?

Maybe it's a sign from the universe.

Just as how the dead remain silent, empty beer cans cannot answer my questions, no matter how pressing.