The Dingbat: A day in the life of the last person on campus without Airpods

My roommate yanks on my headphone cables. I drop my bowl of pasta, shattering it all over my feet. Ysabel Gana

I wake up at 7:30 for my 10 a.m. class. My commute is made 25 minutes longer by the fact that I have to untangle my earbuds. I wrap them up neatly every night and in the morning, they’re tangled with every single wire in my house, including my lamp and Magic Bullet.

When I get to campus, I get the wires of my headphones wrapped around the stop cord on the bus. The driver’s forced to pull the bus over and everyone on the bus takes out a single Airpod to yell at me. I can’t understand them, nobody speaks broke. My professor does his entire lecture with an Airpod in and Ripsticks away as soon as the lecture is over.

When I’m on the way to my last class, an eagle mistakes the microphone on my headphones for a worm and pulls me 50 feet up in the air. I land in the middle of Martha Piper on someone Juul-ing. They tell me to read The Ubyssey.

Once I dry off, I go to Sauder. At a resume building workshop, they keep asking me to just lie and write that I have AirPods like everyone else. I’ve already lied about all of the extracurriculars I didn’t do, so I leave it off.

I’ve got a job interview at 9 the next morning, so I try to make some pasta I can heat up in the morning easily. As a joke, my roommate yanks on my headphone cables. I drop my bowl of pasta, shattering it all over my feet. I listen to a white noise app when I’m sleeping. I wake up at least once a night with my headphone wires wrapped around my neck, choked half to death and covered in sweat.

All my roommates use Airpods and if they want to show me something they’re listening to, they’ll come up from behind me and just put theirs in my ears. It starts playing automatically which is pretty cool, but right now I’m recovering from my 14th inner ear infection, which makes riding my bike pretty tough.

The next evening, I’m in IKB studying on the fourth floor and when I get up to leave I catch my headphone cord on my desk and the headphones pull down my ears. In a white hot rage, I punch one of the 20 foot tall windows, shattering it entirely. As I’m bleeding out, a paramedic cuts the cord of my headphones to get them off me faster.

The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour column. You can send completed submissions and pitches to blog@ubyssey.ca.