Ono’s unexpected departure to the Ann Arbor-based (or ‘A2’ as the cool kids say) University of Michigan halfway through his second term as president shocked the campus as the Board of Governors searched to appoint his successor.
However, campus security searched the home of former President and Vice-Chancellor Santa Ono to find that he's taking with him more than memories.
In a unique case of campus security actually doing their jobs, thousands of science, English and mathematics textbooks were found hidden and locked away inside a safe in Norman MacKenzie House. Ono, as he hopped in his taxi to the airport, also seemed to be wearing boxy shoulder pads that may or may not have been POLI260 textbooks.
In a unique case of campus security actually doing their jobs, thousands of science, English and mathematics textbooks were found hidden and locked away inside a safe within Ono’s Michigan residence.
The inexplicable backlog of the UBC Bookstore raised many eyebrows last month when the store announced it did not have enough textbooks for the new semester. Previously thought to have been the result of budget allocation towards the production of shitty Lululemon merch, Ono’s actions provide the only possible explanation as to why our tuition-supplemented bookstore has literally no books. Literally none.
When questioned about his actions, Ono said he stole from UBC for the people of the Detroit area.
“Those Michigan kids need to read something other than headlines about me moving to A2! It’s not all about me, you know!" said Ono. What do you think they’re paying me $975,000 for?! I did it for them!”
Meanwhile, Ono’s underhanded tactics and unprecedented betrayal have been endorsed by every guy named "Steve" in the Sauder School of Business, who applauded him for his business acumen and maneuvering. The Steves are giving Ono an honorary PhD in Hustling as a parting gift.
"Him stealing those books was totally scamalicious. Nothing but respect for the king himself," said Steve "Sauder Student" Stephens. With a sorrowful expression, another student spoke, “We never realized what a great president he really was until he was gone. You never really know what you have until it’s gone. Just like we never appreciated being able to drop $70 on a commerce textbook that we could pirate for free. Farewell Santa Ono, we wish you well.”
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