The Dingbat: Not spending $35 on coffee daily has made me a millionaire

At first, not buying my coffee from Loafe and Great Dane was a really big shock. File Peter Wojnar

When I stopped spending $35 on coffee every day due to the pandemic, my financial life took a huge turn.

At first, not buying my coffee from Loafe and Great Dane was a really big shock. I had to learn how to make coffee (extremely difficult) and learn how to make my own breakfast sandwiches (I almost burned down my dorm). But after a few weeks, I realized that the pros way outweighed the cons.

I looked in my wallet and suddenly there were a thousand $100 bills in there. And every week, I keep seeing more. I just keep accumulating these bills, Robert Borden staring me in the face every time I see them. I no longer even have a place to store these bills, it’s becoming almost too much.

Seeing how much money I’ve saved by not spending $35 on coffee every day feels like a massive win. I was informed by my roommate that I have been “sleep walking” and “going to the ATM to take out $100, coming back to your room and collapsing on your bed.” But I refuse to believe this. I believe that spending less money on coffee has made me a millionaire and the universe is literally placing money in my wallet and I never plan on going back.

Sure, over the last few weeks I’ve been fined for “urinating on the ATM while you were asleep,” allegedly, which I will dispute in court because I absolutely am not sleep walking to the ATM every night to put this money in my wallet. And sure, I have been spending 70 per cent of this money on candles and essential oils, which literally have essential in the name, so I consider this to be a very essential purchase. I also needed a $5,000 espresso machine to make this transition as seamless as possible. This was written off as an educational expense. I also had to buy seven espresso glasses and seven cappuccino mugs, one for every day of the week.

Now that I have this enormous amount of money, I can’t help but imagine what I can pay for. I can pay my tuition without a single worry. I can afford a down payment on a one-bedroom condo in Langley! I can maybe even afford car insurance! The possibilities are endless.

The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour column. You can submit completed pieces or pitches to blog@ubyssey.ca