The Dingbat: UBC catches Main Mall bunny crime culprit

On Oct 19, 2022, 20 bunnies were seen hopping down Main Mall. Now, a month later, this number has increased to 100 and is estimated to reach 300 trillion by the end of the semester.

The newly established UBC bunny population has created chaos on campus — jumping in front of bikers, stealing people’s salads mid-forkful and pooping all over the sidewalk. The infestation has cost UBC grounds maintenance millions of dollars in equipment replacements due to accidentally running over bunnies.

The student behind the crime was finally caught after MATH 420 midterms were marked, and their Friday night plans were scribbled on the back of an exam:

1. Eat cheetos for dinner

2. Cry for 3 hours, 33 minutes about a failed math exam

3. Bus to Jericho Beach to kidnap bunnies and release them on Main Mall

When asked to comment on why they did it, the rabbitology student, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims it was for the benefit of UBC maintenance and student wellness.

“The idea came to me like a blessing. After I was waitlisted from the bunny therapy workshop, I just felt empty, like there was this void in my life,” they said. “Then I realized, it’s not like there’s a shortage of bunnies in Vancouver, right?”

At this point of the interview, the student picked up a fluffle (I kid you not, this is the word for a group of bunnies) and passionately cried, “Bunnies are basically a synonym for free lawn mowing and fertilizing. Not to mention the much-needed therapy! Wild bunnies don’t require pre-registration or waitlists!”

Many other students on campus seem to agree.

90 per cent of the student body reported an improvement in mental health since the Main Mall Bunny Arrival (the other 10 per cent reported being traumatized after seeing Kip the Coyote munching happily on the bunnies).

However, the UBC biology department is less than convinced.

“At UBC, we only accept the best and brightest,” said Dr. Tree McGregor, associate professor of the Biodiversity Research Centre. “I’m shocked that anyone would be so stupid as to release wild bunnies, thereby creating a founder effect situation and establishing an invasive population.”

McGregor is currently petitioning UBC to make first year ecology classes mandatory for all students to prevent such an incident from occurring again.

Meanwhile, the campus coyotes are careful to keep quiet. Or maybe Kip is just a bit too busy with his ever-expanding family of 500. At the rate that this is going, the legendary KiptheCoyote Instagram may need to be renamed to KiptheWolfpack. (Dr. McGregor would like to comment that a group of coyotes are not the same as a wolf pack to which I reply, “never trust an academic!”)

The Main Mall bunnies are only growing in numbers, much to the indignation of UBC athletics. A recent petition is calling for UBC’s mascot to be changed into the 'Thunderbunnies,' leaving the newly printed T-Bird jerseys useless.

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