To the boy in the blue jacket/vest/fleece/raincoat on Main Mall/in Mercante/mid-lecture/on the steps in the Nest two seconds/hours/days/weeks/months/years ago,
I believe we made eye contact on Main Mall/in Mercante/mid-lecture/on the steps in the Nest two seconds/hours/days/weeks/months/years ago. Do you remember? I was wearing a light blue jacket/vest/fleece/raincoat. You were also wearing a blue jacket/vest/fleece/raincoat. Though fleeting, in that moment, I saw my whole life flash ahead of me. You were in it.
It was our life.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think we are soulmates. I know nothing about you besides your blue jacket/vest/fleece/raincoat, and that we both found ourselves on Main Mall/in Mercante/mid-lecture/on the steps in the Nest at the same time. But I think I’d like to know more about you.
I wonder what you study here. When I saw you, you were wearing a jacket/vest/fleece/raincoat and Blundstones. This is definitely a sign you’re probably in engineering/arts/sciences/forestry. How is that for you? Do you like it? Do you think, maybe, if I had asked you, we could’ve possibly studied together? I wonder what kind of food you like. I assume you eat food. We all eat food. Do you think, if I had asked, you would’ve liked to eat food together? And perhaps, if that went well, possibly eaten together another time, and then perhaps eaten food together on a regular basis?
It is so difficult for me to consider the possibility that I may never get the answers to these burning questions. This is why I have delayed finishing my degree by three years. Advising has told me repeatedly that I am eligible to graduate and that they would actually prefer it if I left. But I’m not walking across that stage without knowing I’ve done everything in my power to find you.
I have posted on UBC Crushes six times. I eat lunch at the place I saw you that one time at least four times a day/week/term/year. I do double takes so frequently, my neck is permanently damaged. I have worn the same outfit ever since in hopes you will recognize me. I have an extensive network of friends and kinship relations that regularly check in with me on my (our) progress. "Have you seen that blue jacket/vest/fleece/raincoat guy you saw that one time since?” they ask at least three times a week. “No,” I reply — devastated.
I know it’s not your fault. You’re perfect. But it really gets me down sometimes. I really am trying my best here! I am pulling out all the stops to track you down so we can live our happy life together forever and ever! I just wish you would make an effort to find me as well.
Mr. Dr. President Santa Ono says "Tuum Est" which translates to "it is yours." Sure, “it” might be mine, but what does this matter when boy in the blue jacket/vest/fleece/raincoat is not? So, wherever and whoever you are, know that I am going to milk this degree for as long as I monetarily can. Please know that I will be waiting faithfully on the Main Mall/in Mercante/mid-lecture/on the steps in the Nest, wearing a blue jacket/vest/fleece/raincoat for us to make prolonged eye contact again.
Girl in blue jacket/vest/fleece/raincoat.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour column. You can submit completed pieces or pitches to Angela O’Donnell at email@example.com.