The Dingbat: I paid my tuition, handled my student debt and bought a Tim Hortons with the help of the stock market

I might as well flex on all the business students by buying their beloved coffee shop. File Mackenzie Walker

The news cycle lately has been full of stuff about GameStop, BlackBerry and Nokia stocks and how people on Reddit led the movement to invest in these to screw over hedge funds. Dear reader, I am one of those brave Redditors.

Way before this got to Twitter or Facebook, I was in on the stock market game. I knew that with a movement of strong Redditors with diamond hands, I would be able to get rich quick by selling as soon as I’d multiplied my investment. I took the few dollars I had left in my bank account (tuition was just due!) and invested in GameStop, BlackBerry and Nokia. I had faith in the free market that it would get me what I needed.

Then I woke up on Tuesday morning and saw that metaphorical rocket flying for the moon. So I cashed out. I made enough to pay off my tuition for the rest of my university career, pay off my student loans and even buy the Tim Hortons franchise in Sauder. I might as well flex on all the business students by buying their beloved coffee shop.

Who knows what’s next? Maybe I’ll start insider trading. Maybe I’ll buy Robinhood and ban outsider trading. Maybe I’ll become an econ prof because of my experience in the free market, which will obviously get me an honourary degree at the very least.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout all of this, it’s how great capitalism and the free market are. No questions here!

The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour column. You can submit completed pieces or pitches to blog@ubyssey.ca.