The Dingbat: Here are new changes to UBC's academic policy

UBC has just announced new changes to its academic policies. So, we broke them down.

1. If the professor is not here in 15 minutes, you are definitely most certainly allowed to leave. 

2. If you make eye contact with an engineering physics student, you will have four years of bad luck (in love). 

3. To get extra credit for a  forestry class, students must blaze it with the professors. Choice of rolling paper must align with the syllabus. 

4. To get extra credit for a pharmacology class, students must create drugs for forestry students to... you get the point. 

5. A Sauder degree comes with free LinkedIn Premium and a pack of unscented moisturizer (because snake). Why a pack? To share with your network of course!

6. Students double majoring in environmental science and philosophy get free unlimited access to UBC’s Existential Crisis Fund. There’s always time here on Earth… or is there?

7. First-year science students can get an extra 0.5 points in their classes, provided they wanted to study medicine ever since their hamster got asthma in fourth grade. 

8. For those who are on the waiting list for a required kinesiology class, don’t wait. Bring your barbell weights to the professor’s office and loudly lift 200 lbs until they lose it and let you into the course.

9. Psychology students are encouraged to make use of their department’s resources. 

10. It's mandatory for AMS executives to take the stairs twice a day to avoid student journalists in the elevators.

11. Graduating Faculty of Arts students are allowed to miss three classes a term to cry inside of a thrift store dressing room. Why? Because capitalism. 

12. English majors are allowed to swear (in Old English) if the Starbucks barista spelled their name wrong. They’re also allowed to quote essays from 12th grade to fill the void. Why reach for the tissues when readings are right there on the table?

13. UBC increases eye care coverage exponentially for students in the department of computer science the day before their finals and during virtual dates with their bots.

14. LFS students officially complete their degree once they can explain what LFS stands for (no really, what is this faculty?). I love land and food!

15. Music students can substitute their required performance courses with a karaoke-where-no-one-can-sing-but-them. Tonight, we all hit that Ariana Grande whistle note, right? (Note: that rhyme wasn’t intentional and poetry is a disease.)

16. Only in education classes can students deconstruct the syllabus (and the terrified non-tenured prof) in order to succeed. Edu-inception… chills.

17. Political science orientation packages come with a free Machiavelli poster, a fake plant and… a pre-law society flyer? Huh? What’s that? How did that get here? 

18. After every finals season, gender, race, sexuality and social justice students can apply for their program’s get-more-hand-tattoos-and-cartilage-piercings fund. Don’t furrow your bleached brows at me! It’s a real rule! 

19. After 90 credits, cognitive systems students are allowed to adopt an AI robot pet and lose sight of all reality. (2050 is around the corner, I can shmell it!)

20. Mathematics students are allowed to… I’m sorry… deserve to…  live a happy life. For just $3.99 a day, one math student will feel caffeine-induced joy. 

21. A theology student’s degree is not complete until they have invited at least one stranger to their uncomfortably-welcoming church club. I’ve heard of the banana’d crew, but have you ever been bible’d?

22. In order to grant academic extension in the Faculty of Arts, students must present the following: lactose intolerance, your mom’s jeans and an obsession with Koerner's Pub. Stop waving your well-manicured hands at me and go take your melatonin!

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