Student of UBC: you’ve made it into a #top40 university, you’re conquered midterms and trekked across campus in the pouring rain. You’ve endured a number of painful, one-hour max coffee dates and swiped left so many times you’ve developed a severe thumb twitch.
Yes, the dating scene, despite being placed in an environment among many Young, Hot, Fun 20-Something Academics, can at times be disappointing, dissatisfying and altogether infuriating.
Valentine's Day has come and gone. Winter is passing you by and yet, you STAY uncuffed. The snow showed up, the city shut down (but apparently not the UBC campus) and you found yourself hot chocolate date-less, left to brave the storm with only your sensible footwear to keep you company.
Fear not! I present to you a most robust and enticing list of suitable and 100 per cent real dating options (in no particular order).
The Thunderbird mascot
Blue and gold. What strength in those wings. Such elegance. A hype man. A team player.
Thunder is a varsity athlete that still loves you, even if you don’t know shit about their sport. He is just happy you came out to the game. Thunder would give you a free T-Birds scarf if you were cold — that’s right, Thunder would endure the prices of campus bookstore merch just to make you happy. This would be an electric relationship, a perfect match — you be the lightning.
Personally, I hate Buchanan D. However, Buchanan D is committed to me. Over half of all the combined classes and meetings I’ve taken at UBC have been on the third floor of good ol’ reliable Buch D. Dependable. Ugly enough that it won’t leave you, and at this point, we have enough history that some sort of emotional attachment has formed deep down in my heart. (Insert “D” pun of your choice here.)
Bookstore Corner Store
Everything in me is saying gatekeep, gatekeep, gatekeep, but just this once, I’ll expose my greatest love. Corner Store sushi.
Not always there, but if you time it right and get there right after a restock (no, I’m not telling you when) there is fresh sushi to be had and short lines that make me embarrassed for the people waiting for the bookstore Starbucks at noon on a Monday — good luck girlies.
Corner Store has my back. Corner Store gets me.
Dried mango? Yerb? Those little chocolate filled koala cookies? Say less. This is the kind of partner who packs you snacks in your schoolbag and sends you unironic motivational texts throughout the day, and you know what? It’s nice.
IKB old fashioned room — not the one in the library but the main one, IDK what it is called
Like Harry Styles himself, as described by Taylor Swift, this room “never goes out of style.”
A classic option. Aged.
This IKB room would open a good bottle of red wine on the first date because you’re worth it. And really? What beats the embrace of an IKB leather chair after a long, cold, trek across campus? Does anyone else in your life hold you the way those loungers do? I don’t think so. Ambient lighting. History. The added bonus of the near-paralyzing stress present in air only gives it spice. Everyone needs a partner that pushes them to do their best, and who says your best isn’t sitting alone at a long wood table until close on a Friday night? Those essays aren’t writing themselves.
The Little Grassy Area™ near the Indian Residential School History and Dialogue Centre
You think about them when rain beats down on your practical black rain jacket. You rush to this quiet spot of repose. Stretch out on the grass with a book in the late afternoon sun. Hear the clock tower bells chime on the hour. Birds chirp.
What is LFS? What do you really study in Land and Food systems? It seems so unproblematic. So free from negative stereotypes. The LFS faculty is the mysterious, golden retriever, doesn’t-believe-in-social-media significant other. What goes on in the inner workings of their mind? You don’t know, but it certainly isn’t bad. I think LFS and I think picnic dates, and I just like that a lot.
Note: I don’t know anyone in LFS, please let me have my baseless opinion in peace.
Thea Koerner House washrooms
I had a class here once for one day before I dropped it. Enter through the Rose Garden. If you’re able to find these, they’re clean and empty. A commuter student’s dream. The ideal significant other. An effort to get to, but what good relationship doesn’t require a little effort? If you’re willing to put in the work, you will be rewarded.
A pile of garbage (I pass like 15 per day)
Self explanatory. You might be thinking “same” or “mood” or “relatable” or even that you’ve gone out with piles of garbage before. Solidarity. Apologies. I hope it gets better.
And so. To all our singles, ready to mingle? Please don’t resort to dating these inanimate objects. Really. Just don’t. But good luck navigating the UBC dating scene.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey's humour section. Send pitches and completed pieces to email@example.com.