The best Ubyssey articles to use as wrapping paper

We all like a good vintage look, but be careful that you don't ruin any historical artifacts! Screenshot via UBC

So you’ve stopped at the Macdonald/Broadway Salvation Army every day this month while waiting for the sweet, sweet music of that accordion bus to sweep you off your feet and deliver you to campus, where events you’re too busy for and imminent deadlines await you. You hold on tight to new-to-you treasures and in them find an ounce of sanity. Another ounce may be found in a copy of the latest Ubyssey, which you grab from the Nest. Learning that, yes, everyone has been making fun of you for running from the Sally to the 99 every day might take your attention away from your plummeting GPA.

But suddenly there’s a shift. The deadlines pass. Exams are over. The old-timey engineers that ferociously shovel coal into your internal boilers which fuel your stress have gone home for the holidays. You have finally chilled out... until you realize: I forgot to get any gift for literally anyone besides myself.

Who had the time? Who had the money? You did! But not to worry, by the end of November you actually have everything you need to spread some cheer during the holiday season: one bunch of third-hand items, gently-to-aggressively used (from that controversial-yet-so-brave yellow sweater that seriously clashes with your SAD to that yummy candle that’s now just a shriveled wick in a dumb cup), and one abundance of oversized, unwieldy pieces of paper!

All you have to do is decide which Twister without a mat (yeah, it’s just the box and the spinner) each of your kin will receive, and you can count on me to do the rest. That’s right. Here are five of the best Ubyssey articles you should sacrifice from your collection for this year’s Big Wrap™.

Top 10 Bathrooms on UBC Campus (+ Top 3 WORST)

With great power comes great responsibility. And with great poor comes great resourceful ability. So find a way to wrap something up in screenshots of Ubmojo’s latest video! Creativity like this is sure to charm that film student acquaintance whose relationship with you is like the bathroom in Buchanan Tower — “It’s not even on one of the floors, it’s halfway up the stairwell.”

Behind the Boards: What to expect from this weekend’s Winter Classic

Yes, this article is from 2019 — but so is the last thought you had about hockey, so this wrapping paper will be more personal than any recent sports news. As soon as the package arrives on your dad’s doorstep back in Calgary, UofC’s flaming red T-rex mascot will surely let him know that this one’s just for him.

Scary Spooky Stories: Pumpkin

This one will be the wrapping and the gift for zany Cousin Rebecca who wishes it was still Halloween, and dresses like it still is. This little cuz who’s fourteen and loves Twilight will feel the love from this special shoutout to girls like her...until she gets to the end of the story...muahaha!

Ubyssey sex survey 2021

For the stepmom who’s trying to get to know you better, here are some interactive graphs and charts to demonstrate that you are among the majority — the 34.39 per cent of UBC students who only talk about sex with “close friends and never with family.” You’ll also get that looky-loo thrill yourself while wrapping a gift in this — Huh! We’re not the only ones who’ve had sex in the “Nitobe Garde” (and we’re not the only ones who were apparently getting it on while trying to type “gardens”)!

Shrooms 101: A beginner’s guide to magic mushrooms

In a word: iconic. In 600 words: educational. This is the Ubyssey’s most popular article. So much so that there’s even been a spin-off! So you’d not only introduce the recipient of this gift to the magical world of hallucinogens, but you’d also give them insight into the Ubyssey as a whole. Truly, to know this article is to know the content of our entire student newspaper and what passes for excellence around here. And isn’t that what the holidays are all about?

Note: This article’s inclusion is the blog editor’s secret Santa gift to the science editor.