Dear Board of Governors AKA future coworkers,
Greetings and sanitations, my name is Pawan Minhas and I am penning this letter so as to indicate my interest in being elected the newest chair of the Board of Governors (BoG), following the departure of current-Chair Michael Korenberg. Given I’m a stranger to you all, I’ve decided to make myself familiar. Thus, I’ve had this cover letter published by the local newspaper, so I can properly introduce myself to the plebeians I’ll be helping to govern and I’ve also included fun information — presented in parentheticals — to resemble the university textbooks you all enjoy (Did you notice?: I am considerate and have a keen eye for the details).
First, a little about myself — I am 21 years old and a fourth-year political science student and, as I have a fun bonus fact: I really need this job! I’ve got some outstanding debts with people you don’t want to know, let alone owe, so there’s a bit of a time crunch for you guys to elect me. But speaking of electing, why don’t we talk about some aspects of my candidacy! (Political science fact: States can’t prosecute those outside of their borders, but the yakuza have no jurisdiction or concerns about extradition treaties.)
Why would we elect you?
Let’s start with my occupational history. When I was just 14, I was handling accounts and expenditures well into the three figures range, spending time with young minds eager to have their voices heard and be directed to the duotangs in aisle 3. I’ll never forget my time at Staples.
I’m also no stranger to executive work. Mr. Korenberg may be on the board for HSBC but while he was helping manage the seventh-largest bank in the world, I was doing what they call ‘grassroots organizing.’ In my third year, I was the model Parliament chair for the Political Science Students’ Association — of course, the simulation didn’t quite happen that year because no one applied to participate, moderate or be on my planning team. But I’d say that’s about as grassroots you can get, for a position tasked with leading a multi-billion dollar university and investment trust. (Please note: how’d ya like them apples, Mikey?)
As chair of the Board of Governors, I’d be responsible for building bridges between sometimes-adversarial groups like the Faculty Association (FA), student representatives, the university administration and hack news writers. Here’s my plan to show all of those groups that they can trust me. FA — give ’em all three chili peppers on RateMyProf. Student representatives — solve climate, freeze tuition hikes for the foreseeable future. UBC admin — okay, maybe that last thing isn’t as doable as I thought. The Ubyssey — guarantee every contributor, staff and editor a job at the illustrious and totally existing Vancouver StarMetro.
In closing, I think you’ll find that once ol’ MK is gone and I’ve stepped in, things will be looking up — including the chair’s salary. (Fact alert!: That was a funny joke).
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a pressing meeting to attend — someone’s yelling in Japanese and they’re trying to kick down my door.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour column. You can submit completed pieces or pitches to firstname.lastname@example.org.