We witnessed a fight on Main Mall and here's who won

The fight wasn’t even that good. Dua Dipa

Earlier this week, a fight broke out in front of the Cum-istry Building. According to onlookers who witnessed the beginning of the scuffle, violence emerged when a disgruntled forestry student retaliated against an engineering student for stepping on his Bluntstones.

Because this is not the sort of heart-racing, chest-thumping spectacle students usually expect to see on campus, a small crowd quickly formed. But the fight wasn’t even that good. The engineering student kept throwing punches with his elbows way out to his sides. As an engineering student, you’d expect they’d have mastered the fundamentals of torque by this point.

Now I am no black belt, but I did complete a two-week free trial for a mixed martial arts class in Grade 11. These two guys were throwing punches with their thumbs hanging outside of their fists and it was looking like they were really going to hurt each other, so I had to step in.

Allegedly, I was knocked out almost immediately after inserting myself between the two brawlers, allowing the engineer to escape. Our fact-checkers are currently looking into that claim.

According to witnesses, the forestry student called me a “stupid, stupid idiot,” but I don’t think that’s accurate.

In war, there really are no victors. ☺

— With files from a Tribble Oh’s employee

This article is part of The Ubyssey’s 2021 spoof issue, NICE Magazine.