Your first-year hookup guide

Relish in the knowledge most people are very desperate. File Joshua Medicoff

How does one go about hooking up in first year with dignity? This is an age old question that has been on the minds of students since the invention of universities. Surely, dear reader, it’s on your mind if you are reading this. Have no fear, we’ve got your back. After extensive research here at the Ubyssey, we feel equipped to help guide you through your first hook up here at university.

We all know this is part of the reason you decided to live in residence. Just think, hundreds of attractive strangers all living together in the same building, no parental supervision for perhaps the first time in your life; you’ve got to take advantage of your situation. After all, hooking up is a component of the quintessential first year experience just like going to the frats sober or mistakenly signing up for an 8 a.m. class.

Finding someone won’t be hard. Relish in the knowledge most people are very desperate.

This can happen many ways, maybe you’ll meet in a class, the elevator, a frat, the laundry room, or one the many firstweek mixer events. Possibilities are endless. If you find small talk excruciating, you can always just download Tinder.

If you’re feeling extra spicy, pick someone from the same building as you; that way, you're more likely to run into each other. For maximum thrills, pick someone from your floor.

Sometimes, there will be a roommate to kick out. Before they leave they will say a line about not doing it in their bed. You will roll your eyes. Their sheets are probably dirty anyway.

There will be a lot of fumbling. The fluorescent lighting isn’t particularly sexy but you can make do. The white faux brick is so industrial chic! The pictures of your friends and family that you stuck up in an attempt to thwart loneliness watch you in silent judgment.

There are only so many places this can be done in a dorm room, only so many configurations before you give up and move to the bed. Bonus points if you’ve lofted the bed, that way you get to experience the adrenaline rush of almost falling off the tiny twin XL mattress anytime one of you shifts. The bed will also most definitely creak.

When it’s finally done, sit up and tug on your clothes. Pick up your dignity off of the floor. Watch them rush to get dressed and pull on their shoes. Wave silently to them as they leave. Know this is probably the last time you will see each other out of your own volition.

This has probably been a regrettable experience for both of you, no need to make things more difficult. What is college for, if not to learn.

Better luck next time!