White man heroically steps in to save students from having to choose between four white men

This morning, student Allen Cairnholz officially entered the presidential race, making this year’s Almost Matters Society election one of the most thrilling yet.

“The student body just wasn’t happy with our presidential choices,” said Cairnholz. “I felt like it was my duty to add some diversity to the ballot.”

Students have the increasingly difficult decision of who to cast their vote for, now that Cairnholz is in the race.

“Wait - which one’s Cairnholz again?” said third year student Patricia Grey when asked who she would vote for. “I honestly can’t tell them apart - they all have very similar physical attributes.”

Cairnholz promises to lay down some concrete platform points in the upcoming days in order to win over student voters.

“It’s really anybody’s race at this point, but I think I can run a solid campaign,” says Cairnholz.

Stay tuned for in-depth coverage of which Chi Sigma frat member will take VP Finance.

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