From the Cult: An almost all-candidates roast through the lens of their bad, bad websites

With all the policy talk floating about this AMS elections season, it’s hard to remember what really matters: aesthetically pleasing websites.

From the Cult is The Ubyssey’s unofficial AMS Election coverage. If you want real news, go over to the news section.

With all the policy talk floating about this AMS elections season, it’s hard to remember what really matters: aesthetically pleasing websites. Fortunately, your handsome and humble culture writers have got you covered.

Welcome to the most important article this elections season: our 2019 candidate website review.

Note: We only included candidates with websites, not just Facebook pages.

Another note: No comments within this article are intended to provide any actual insight into candidates’ political platforms. This review is purely satirical — a roast of sorts, if you will.

Presidential candidates

Stuart Clarke

Like any good epic poem, Clarke understands it is not the content that matters, but the length.

Clarke’s is a strong contender for the tallest homepage known to history, boasting a scroll-time from top to bottom of 18 days. For those that don’t immediately grasp his message, Clarke has also provided thirteen miles of convenient exposition. By the time the intrepid explorer has reached the end, elections season is over.

Literary classic. 7/10, go home, Gilgamesh.

Chris Hakim

Hakim demonstrates his sheer tactical brilliance by building a website that, at the time of this review, didn’t load properly.

A potent metaphor for his political career, took too long to respond. It refuses to reveal his platform, all the while holding the promise of brilliant content. Finally, here is a candidate honest about his future leadership.

Powerful message. 8/10, belongs in the MoMA.

Spencer Latu

Latu’s message is simple: to understand, we must look at the bigger picture. That’s why he made his website the biggest picture of them all, with a width that refuses to be constrained by all but the most powerful of internet browsers. Wielding fonts the size of roast hams, this is a webpage best seen from outer space.

Latu jumps from topic to topic on the platform page by way of intuitive hieroglyphics. Platform points like “social justice” and “mental health” are depicted by relevant stock images of a three-fisted three-shirted mutant and an ear emitting gamma radiation, respectively.

Enhance! 9/10, could you zoom in a little more?

VP Academic candidates

Julia Burnham

Going back to basics, Burnham has crafted a website utilizing ancient scroll technology.

Ever an advocate of the “good old days” of writing on papyrus and dying of dysentery, Burnham got rid of all the complicated technological junk like “more than one webpage” and “readability,” preferring a singular, all-encompassing homepage.

Perfect for grabbing those septuagenarian students and securing the votes of the ghosts in the anthropology building.

Wonderfully nostalgic. 10/10, what a #TBT!

Nick Pang

Pang’s innovative web design takes communication to another level by including more pictures than words.

It’s well-known that Pang is allergic to written language, and we applaud his dedication in braving the hives to provide us with his beautiful creation. With ample white space and pretty pictures, this is a site any person or houseplant can understand.

With the first web page built entirely from Pinterest posts, Pang realizes it is not the content that matters, but the aesthetics.

11/10, here is something even we can understand.

VP Administration candidates

Andrea M. Hurtado Fuentes

Fuentes channels R’lyeh with her unnameable horror of a website.

Delve into its cyclopean, non-Euclidean web design, free from the constraints of time and space. But beware, for the price for entry is your very sanity – is a domain only the mad can comprehend.

Since the blood moon, we’ve experienced hideous nightmares of blasphemous cretins, squamous in form and ungodly in power, heralding Fuentes’s website’s coming. Now, the stars are finally right. Cower, you lowly beasts! Witness Her wakening!

Very intuitive. 12/10, excellent navigability.

Cole Evans

Evans reflects his massive platform with his seemingly endless website.

Evans’ website is enormous and composed of vast expanses of nothingness. Those brave enough to traverse its barren wastes might discover beautiful vistas and pristine forests. Pan for policies like the first prospectors, and starve to death while navigating his platform.

Wonderfully immersive. 13/10, watch out for bears!

VP External candidates

Riley Ty

Showing his love for animals, Ty has created a website just for dogs.

It’s a little-known fact that Ty is reverse-colour-blind – every colour he touches turns into either red or blue. He uses this to his advantage by crafting the most canine-friendly website of all the candidates, securing the poodle vote.

His website was also designed by a dog, with an interface any sixth-grade blogger can be proud of.

Simply simple. 14/10, my husky votes Ty.

Will Shelling

Shelling’s website reflects him, literally, boasting more headshots per capita than any other candidate in existence. Any enemy that looks upon his dazzling teeth is rendered blind instantly.

Shelling also realizes that student politics is a lot like Monopoly. The more realty he owns on the reader’s browser, the more likely they are to vote for him. That’s why his website aims to open as many new tabs as possible.

15/10, would bang... meaning we would set off fireworks in his honour, of course.

Cristina Ilnitchi

Boasting more words than the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Bible and Wikipedia combined, Ilnitchi’s platform page covers everything from her goals to what colour she’s currently thinking of.

Believing great people are forged from hard work, Ilnitchi has wisely excluded any navigational tools on her platform page. Instead, knowledge-seekers must sift through her paragraphs manually, like finding grains of salt in the Sahara Desert. Scholars have dedicated decades to unravelling Ilnitchi’s secrets.

Completely comprehensive. 16/10, would buy for $198 at the bookstore.

VP Finance candidates

Lucia Liang

Much like the Crow-Faced Woman that sleeps in your bed, Liang’s website has the mystical ability to be so forgettable, it slips the mind as soon as you look away.

However, through Newton’s Law of Reverse Psychology, the voter will soon find themselves so mindful of Liang’s existence they’ll start seeing her likeness everywhere they go. In class, on the street, inside the mirror, on the backs of their eyelids — not even in death will they be free.

To ensure no one actually reads her writing, Liang has compiled all her text in one bloated webpage, with no navigational tools provided. Well played, Liang. Well played.

Tactically done. 17/10, Liang is playing 4D chess and we are the pawns.

Jon Tomalty

Tomalty has designed the most precise and optimized website possible. Free of human faults or weaknesses like “personality” or “character,” Tomalty’s site pierces straight to the heart of the matter with mathematical efficiency. By using as few words as possible, sparing no energy for lesser concerns, Tomalty has truly conquered his biological nature.

Incredibly innovative. 18/10, we are looking at the future.

BoG representatives

Jeanie Malone

Malone displays her unique and very special style with a website manifested straight out of Whole Foods.

Malone has been building websites before they were cool. Like an art gallery entirely shot and curated by a man in a turtleneck, she shows her individuality through artfully shot photos of herself wearing vintage clothing.

Representative of the true heart of Vancouver, as well as Portland, Oregon, this is a website best browsed in a craft coffee shop, on the way to the arthouse theatre or during that creative writing workshop.

Very original. 19/10, will read her screenplay.

Dylan Braam

Braam reinforces his everyman persona by crafting the most boring website know to humankind.

Much like politics, Braam’s creation is as bland and featureless as blank printer paper. But his website resembles printer paper in more than just content – that’s why his font colour was chosen to be light-grey against a pure white background. This brilliant move ensures no one can read his platform, protecting himself from potential critics.

Uniquely unremarkable. 20/10.

Max Holmes

The first BoG candidate to interpret “bog” literally, Holmes was birthed directly from the briny depths. As a fishperson, Holmes can only see in shades of blue.

Reiterating his platform of having UBC be reclaimed by the sea, Holmes aims to accustom us to our watery overlords by colouring his entire website blue as well. The only candidate from Atlantis running this season, Holmes promotes inclusivity by having this reflected in his website.

Keeping it wavy, Holmes. 21/10, we welcome our fishy overlords.

Senate representative

Julia Chai

Objectively the best website out of all candidates living and/or dead, Chai’s magnum opus understands that less is more. Her website navigates this by promising nothing at all, except the vague hope for the future: “Site coming soon!”

By not revealing her platform, her goals or her website, Chai is invincible to criticism. Checkmate.

Revolutionary work. 22/10, we have a winner!