Coming to Culture: E-Week will make your liver fall out and die

Hello, lone engineer that stopped to read the culture section. Don't worry, this isn't the wrong newspaper. The science section is a few pages on from here. Don't be scared! Articles about theatre and fashion are not contagious. If you stay on this page for more than five seconds, you won't promptly grow a moustache and learn all of the cords to “Stairway to Heaven.” This article has things that you might find interesting, mainly E-Week — the unplugged drain that all engineering culture is sucked towards, twice a year.

In case you didn't know what was headed your way, I thought I'd put together a list of some upcoming events that you might find interesting. This way, you can go drink with your classmates and wake up every sleeping arts student in residence as you stumble back to your bed at 4 a.m. like the wild animals that you are!

Monday, Jan 16

By the time you've read this, you probably already missed the Red Eye Breakfast and the fEUSball Tournament. Plus, you didn't even go to the Day the Movie Died. So get your shit together!

Tuesday, Jan 17

Start your morning off with a chariot race, taking place by the Cairn between 11 a.m. and 12 noon. From 3 to 6 p.m., you can attend the engineers Speech and Debate to watch totally sober students charismatically talk about... I-beams, presumably? Always wanted to see two people argue about whether or not the substratum horizon is cooler that the subsoil horizon? This is your chance! Then, round off the night with the Pit Purge, where you get to drink on the EUS's dime! Arts students, did you see that? Free alcohol paid for by the engineers. Free alcohol...

Wednesday, Jan 18

Oh look, another event that involves alcohol. Who would have seen that coming? Show up to the Engineering Student Centre at 8 a.m. and kill that hangover with the PP Pancake Breakfast. What the “PP” stands for is something of a mystery but rest assured, there will be beer and 4-Legged Races.

At 1 p.m., through a drunken haze, participate in the True Engineer competition to determine “which department is the engineeriest.”

Following this is Cooking with Beer, which is exactly what it sounds like. It's at 4 p.m., and will provide you with some good, solid food to help absorb the alcoholic content of your stomach.

After that, stumble over to the 4-Legged Race at 7 p.m. There will be trivia and, of course, drinks.

Am I mad that this is already twice as much fun as Arts Week? Maybe. Shut up.

Thursday, Jan 19

This day begins a packed schedule with WiE (Women in Engineering) Trivia at 10 a.m. Then the morning continues with an hour and a half of intense dodgeball from 12:30 to 2 p.m. in Osbourne Gym.

At 3:30 p.m., there are some logistical things to attend to at the Annual General Meeting. Gasp! Organization! Then at 6 p.m., there is Old Red New Red, where some of the star alumni from the department show up to network with fresh-faced undergrads. Arts students, if you want to have a good cry, go to this alumni event, where not all of the people in attendance went on to be baristas and YouTube book reviewers.

Friday, Jan 20

The morning begins at 8 a.m. with the Gears and Queers Breakfast, and then is followed by three hours of E-Ball Soccer in the EOSC Field.

At 3 p.m., go to the Performance Theatre in the Nest for Film fEUSt, which promises to be a screening of some pretty fantastic home-movies.

Red Night kicks off at 8 p.m. and serves $0.25 beer for an awesome party in the Engineering Student Centre. Doors are open to the non-engineering rabble, but no cheap beer for you. Odds are that if you wear red, no one will know.

Saturday, Jan 21

Finally, the thing that every engineer has anxiously been waiting for. Taking place in the Diamond Ballroom, this night sports a formal dinner, dance and presumably some goddamned classy alcohol.

Sure, I may talk shit about you engineers and your ravenous desire to abuse your livers, but I cannot deny that you guys know how to celebrate your promising futures and well-funded events. Arts Week, please take note. This is how you bring a community together.