Monday, January 9
Arts Week will kick off with a pancake breakfast and arts clubs showcase from 9 to 11 a.m. in the Nest. If you are one of the five people on campus who wake up around that time, you should totally check it out.
If that isn't enough excitement for one day, you can check out a movie screening in Buchanan D Mass at 6 p.m. This is in collaboration with the German Club and the History Student Association. Currently, the Facebook polling has Inglourious Basterds as the film that will be screened, which is renowned for its historical accuracy and complementary perspective of German people.
Tuesday, January 10
To combat the post-holiday blues, as well as the knowledge that your undergraduate society is as bad with your money as you are, the AUS is handing out care packages which carry all of the back-to-school essentials that a student needs to get through the semester. Hopefully that includes an Adderall and a competent mental health counsellor.
From 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., you can also swing by Buchanan D Mass to relax and paint some dope canvas to express your deep inner anguish at soon having to face unemployment and student debt.
What better time to get wasted than Tuesday at 7 p.m.? Head to Buchanan Penthouse (which is a place I did not know existed) and swish some wine around your foam cup like a classy bastard. Dress is business casual. RSVP if you want guaranteed free alcohol. Pray that this penthouse isn’t furnished with a morally ambiguous donor and red room of pain.
Wednesday, January 11
Feeling like burning those Christmas cookies? Stop by Buchanan D Mass at noon and enjoy a free Zumba class so that you can sweat it out, then go to your next lecture smelling as pleasant and fresh as a thoroughly used gym sock.
After that, take advantage of wasted Wednesdays by drinking away your sorrows at AUS Storms Pit Night, which is happening from 7 to 8 p.m.
Thursday, January 12
Loiter outside the Nest between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. to score some free hotdogs while listening to the performances of your much more talented classmates. Engineers, don't try to take our hotdogs. You have a goddamned club house to hang out in and more funding than the Pentagon during Operation Desert Storm. Just let us have this and go buy your own hotdogs.
If you are the sort of student who identifies as a chin-stroking, studious connoisseur of the arts, head over to the Belkin Gallery at 6 p.m. to attend the opening reception of the exhibition, To refuse/To wait/To sleep and M&A. Ugh.
Friday, January 13
What? Purple: Bzzr Garden. Where? Buchanan D Mass. When? 7:30 to 10:30 p.m. Why? Cheap alcohol, cheap alcohol, pong and stack cup stations, cheap alcohol, the company of other beleaguered students and cheap alcohol. Wear your only purple t-shirt and bring ID, fool! Also, this is a 19+ event, so if you are an impressionable youth, go home and drink your Skittles vodka while binge-watching Entourage, or whatever you minors get up to these days. Three items of canned food will get you a drink, which probably isn’t very cost-effective considering that drinks only cost $2.50.
Saturday, January 14
Spend your Saturday attending the AUS Humanities & Social Sciences Conference. The theme this year is “Evolution and Identity.” Admission and lunch are free. Should be a wild time.
The finale of the week comes between 9 p.m. and 12 a.m., when Buchanan D Mass will be playing host to Amethyst. No, this isn’t the character from Steven Universe, but rather a seemingly randomly named event for all of the youths who felt excluded from Friday’s party. There will be a DJ, photobooth, unfortunate dancing and 100 per cent sobriety! Early bird tickets are $2 and $4 at the door.