Twelve Days of Completely Secular Yuletide: Too Cool for Christmas, the worst one and a half hours of my life

I lay in my bed, wrapped up by my old and gnarled Dora the Explorer comforter, my laptop screen the only source of light in the pitch-black shoebox that is my dorm room. It had been a stressful week of endless Zoom classes, so it was the perfect Friday to tune everything out by engaging in a solo movie night.

With excitement, I opened up the movie a friend had recently recommended to me over a text, proclaiming and exalting it as a “modern Christmas classic.” And boy was I ready to embrace this festive season.

However, upon actually granting the film my intent viewership, I would soon realize the fraudulence of my friend’s statement; in other words, he was full of shit. I’d been duped, people. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

As a film directed by Sam Irvin (don’t worry, I don’t know who that is either), A Very Cool Christmas reeks of desperation to cash into the good ol’ Christmas market. Also just to note as a not-so-fun fact, it was initially titled Too Cool for Christmas in the States but renamed for its United Kingdom audience (Why? Again, don’t worry, I don’t know either).

This Christmas, the main character Lindsay, a stereotypical teenage rich girl, wants to prove she isn’t just that — a poorly written, walking cliche. And she does so by, you guessed it, giving a random mall Santa a makeover. But hold on to your horses folks, because apparently, he’s the real Santa, and just like in every other budget family-friendly Christmas movie, he strives to show her the true magic of Christmas.

But the worst character is by far the discount antagonist in the form of Chuck, the mall security guard. He hates Lindsay and wants her kicked out of the mall. But his antics are so unnecessarily wild that it made me genuinely wonder if he was about to whip out an axe and flip the entire shebang into a horror movie.

But I can’t say that I wouldn’t welcome such a plot twist — hell, I would welcome anything besides what I actually got.

The writing is bland, the dialogue is insulting and the acting is a crime against humanity. But you know what, I blame myself for letting my friend fool me into watching a movie called A Very Cool Christmas. In general, it leaves much to be desired and of course, there’s the added hell of its awful music score.

A solid one star out of five. And that’s just me being really really generous. So much for a relaxing movie night; I am in mourning for the one and a half hours of my life I willingly flushed down the toilet.

Searching for festive flicks? Do yourself a favour and dodge this one ... or don’t. I’m not sure I care anymore — I’m kind of dead on the inside.

Merry Christmas.