Look, I’m a team player. That doesn’t mean I’ve had team sex, though. Fuck. What I mean to say is, when someone needs something, I do it. But not in a sexy way.
The point is, I don’t know why I was asked to write this article. I’ve never even had a sex. I can cook well, which is apparently the only criteria required. So here are some recipes to put you in the mood, if I knew what “the mood” was or why my mom keeps giggling when I tell her about this piece.
Appetizer: Simple bruschetta
Get some nice focaccia or a baguette, slice it lengthwise and brush one side with olive oil. You can imagine yourself putting oil on the body of your naked lover if that helps, which it doesn’t for me because I’ve never touched another person in my life.
After you season with salt, pepper and a touch of garlic — ideally pureed — you can put pretty much anything on this before it hits the oven. Caramelized onions, simple cubed tomatoes tossed in a bit of balsamic and olive oil, prosciutto or a bit of mozzarella are my suggestions. Bake at medium heat for a few minutes or until slightly crispy, and you’re good to go.
People get scared by Italian food because they think it’s really complicated and also sexy. It’s actually pretty damn simple. It might be sexy, but I don’t know because I have no comprehension of what sex is.
Main: Simple salmon with potatoes and asparagus
Salmon is great food to get you in the mood because it’s a low-impact protein that enhances serotonin production. Or at least that’s what I just read on some random blog because I’ve never experienced joy.
Let’s start with sides. Sauté asparagus with a bit of butter — it’s best to start with a splash of olive oil in the pan to prevent the butter from burning. It’s like foreplay! Season with salt and pepper while cooking with a bit of roasted garlic.
Wrap some salmon — ideally wild — in tin foil with olive oil, a bit of dill, salt, pepper and a good squirt of lemon juice. Chuck it on the grill or bake at medium temperature for around 20 minutes. It’s better when it’s slightly raw, which is apparently a thing that some people also think about sex, but please wear a condom because overpopulation is destroying our planet.
Dessert: Homemade hot chocolate
Making homemade hot chocolate is really impressive, especially for people who want to have sex with you! Or at least I think so! It hasn’t worked for me!!!
Finely chop chocolate of your liking — dark is always best. Melt it in a microwave or a double boiler with a smidge of butter and a bit of salt if you want to be fancy. Bring some milk to a scalding temperature. It should be hot enough that small bubbles form at the corner. Add the chocolate to the milk. Look how happy they are together. God, I wish that were me. Drink up!