There are those who can orgasm in their sleep (hello, wet dreams).
But there are also those who literally cannot orgasm ever, whether that’s because of their physiology, medications or trauma. Those who can’t orgasm aren’t doomed to have bad sex, because good sex truly doesn’t require one.
You don’t need an orgasm to have good sex, and the pressure to make one happen can make sex bad. Case in point: faking an orgasm. It’s not fun for anyone — the faker has to become aware of their orgasm sound (no, thank you) and their unwitting partner won’t get any better at pleasing their partners.
For many, sex is about intimacy, and imposing a finish line can take away from enjoying the moment and spending time with your partners, maybe even shorten a good session.
Good sex can be about appreciating and discovering your partners’ bodies, making them feel comfortable and loved in their own skin. This kind of sex can be revolutionary for people whose skin colours or bodies aren’t accepted (and often feared and hated) in our society that idealizes white, skinny and abled bodies.
And for the cishet men reading this and asking, what about blue balls? How often has your partner had to be satisfied with your pleasure, but not their own? Focusing exclusively on your partners and not yourself from time to time can be extremely rewarding. It’s a chance to hone your skills, let them know you care about their pleasure and selflessly show them how you feel.
If that isn’t your jam: let us introduce you to masturbation (and even that can be good without an orgasm).
This article is part of Autonomy, The Ubyssey’s 2021 sex issue. You can read more here.