I solved world hunger over reading break — what did you do?

Did you have a restful mid term break? Did you sleep in? Maybe spend time with loved ones? Did you catch up on schoolwork or put in some hours at a job? 

That’s nice.

Personally, I don’t believe in throwing away time for trivial matters like sleep, school or employment. Hopefully, you’ll be inspired by my actions to make more out of your time off from classes as well.

It starts with inspiration. First, I learned to fly a plane. You can’t go anywhere without proper transportation, obviously. I flew to each and every country, collected a sample of dirt from each and put them in one jar. It’s a metaphor.

The whole world was in my hands. Isn’t that so John Green (think Looking for Alaska but also every other country)? I was about to solve world peace, or whatever. It’s too bad I dropped the jar the next morning, while on the way to pick up my three Nobel prizes. Clumsy me!

Oh, how did I get 3 Nobel prizes, you ask? Well, I simply maximized my productivity.

I solved world hunger by dropping turkey sandwiches and boxed mac ‘n’ cheese out the back of my airplane until no one was hungry anymore. I also got rid of cancer — I won’t state my methods, but let's just say no one will ever be born between the approximate dates of June 22–July 22 ever again. Then, I wrote a book about my experience and it became a New York Times bestseller 2.58 seconds after publication.

Taylor Swift came to personally congratulate me for everything I’ve done. She gave me an impromptu concert on top of Buchanan Tower — sorry you missed it sleeping in. When she heard me sing along, she asked me to open for her on tour during her 12 Antarctica dates in 2025. 

Is It Over Now? Not even close!

It was only Tuesday, so I decided a bit of relaxation was worthwhile. 

I took a little vacation in outer space discovering the 10th planet (yes, 10th. Pluto is a planet. I got it reinstated. It’s literally a round thing in space that goes around the sun. What more do they want?) and I named it hsxsjhjhsjhdhfjhdfjhdjfhjdbsh. That got me my fourth Nobel prize. 

When I got back home, One Direction was there waiting for me. They got back together just so I could see them perform. 

“Ello luv,” Harry said. “Congratulations on having such an accomplished weekend, innit.”

“Yeah, smashing job. Pip pip cheerio,” Zayn chimed in.

I thanked them and watched their super cool performance at NASA. At the end they all got in a rocket and launched into the sun. Turns out, that’s where the UK is. I’ve never been good at geography so I didn’t know. 

On Wednesday, I had a cold. Because of my weakened condition, I was only able to end global warming, save the lives of 45 homeless hamsters, and finish my homework for the next three years. It could have been 46 hamsters if I wasn’t sick, but you have to take care of yourself, and sometimes that means a hamster dies in Guadalupe.

As a small orange version of Danny Devito once said, “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.” He also once said “traysh,” and that’s important to acknowledge. 

All it takes is a little bit of nonstop grinding and hustling every day. It’s never the wrong time to make a change. And I want to make it clear that even if you achieved less than half the things I did this week, that’s okay. There’s always winter break.