When we last left our hero, he was the fixation of one princess’ imagination. The apple of her eye in pea form. Unbeknownst to Pea Man, he was the subject of a great story — a great fantasy — a fanta-pea of unrequited love, of perpetual anonymity, of star-crossed lovers fated to never meet. Though devastating to our princess, literally nothing changed for Pea Man. And as Pea Man once said, “If music be the peas of love, play on.”
And so, dear reader, let me regale you of a tale of some peas in a pod. But this time, it’s men in a bathroom. To shed some light on this otherwise vague sentiment:
It’s a PeaManinomenon!
Like all fairy tales, there’s only one tried-and-true method of making them better (and making big money in the box office). I’m talking about music! Nothing screams lyrical like the mighty legume. Nothing screams sequel more than zero plot and all the zesty joie de vivre (joie de pea-vre?) of the entertainment industry!
UBC is known for hosting many an iconic celebrity… From the cast of Fifty Shades of Grey, to maybe some other shows, our campus is obviously universally known for its romantic, cinematic atmosphere.
So, invested fan of the Pea Man Cinematic Universe (PMCU), it should not come as a surprise, when I tell you the next victim of Pea Man’s undeniable apPEAl, is, well, me.
It started on Halloween night. This, I must confess, was the day I truly began to pea-lieve in love.
Readers, I was “FE!N”-ing for more. The sounds of “Viva La Vida” and the Halo theme song had me in a trance, enraptured, another victim of being lost in the sauce but the sauce is peas.
Maybe it was the semi-noxious scent of sweat, bathroom floor fluids, bad breath and the unmistakable scent of cheap pink hand soap. Maybe it was the obviously intimate environment of the UBC Nest. Maybe, it was the angelic sound of community, united by a Pea Man and a dream, which had my heart fluttering, my knees weak, arms heavy, mom’s spaghetti (do they make spaghetti with peas?). It was beautiful. Unpearalelled. In a split second, I knew a great truth.
My body moved closer, beckoned by the siren song. Someone bumped into me, moving with the same feverish urgency as I. It was none other than the princess, there to reunite with her love. It was me or her. You know what they say: all is fair in love and peas.
Dear reader, I wish not to recall our legendary duel. Blood was spilled like frozen green orbs from a plastic package. Alas, once I emerged victorious, the show was over, the curtain, called. The moment had passed, and my love and I remained unacquainted, ripped apart by the cruel claws of fate, the universe once again preventing two legends from meeting under the same pod. I fear we are doomed to be sepearated for eternit-pea.
I have tried to contact him via carrier pigeon, but this has proven unfruitful. So now, I return to my quill and ink (keyboard) to relay, nay, lay bare, my deepest affections.
To my favourite campus celebrity and parasocial relationship, Pea Man: Since I saw that green mask, heard that voice echo off the crusty washroom tiles, I’ve known that of all the vegetables in the garden , you are the one for me. I’ve bean thinking about you. Peas, give me a chance?
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