Step Aside, Salmonella

New research from UBC faculty in the department of microbiology and immunology purports to have found a previously undiscovered benefit of undercooked chicken.

The study was developed as a response to a viral Ribbit thread regarding a mass chicken-nugget-related food poisoning outbreak in Open Kitchen that shut down Orchard Commons’s entire plumbing system.

“I spent four whole days blowing chunks out of all of my orifices, even my ears,” wrote u/spongeboobsquareboobs69 in a thread.

Not even considering cooking their chicken, let alone bringing it up to the elusive 165° — that’s the minimum safe internal temperature for chicken for all you food safe freaks out there — dining hall higher ups had a more creative (cheaper) idea.

The role of the gut microbiome is a hot-button topic in science — I know because a guy in a lab coat told me in a dream or an acid trip or something.

Researchers have been exploring methods of making this colony of functional bacteria more resilient for times when the microbiome gets absolutely decimated, like after a round of antibiotics you almost finished or an Pit Night lemon drop shot bender.

Enter: undercooked chicken.

“Salmonella has widely been debunked as a myth invented by Big Vegan,” said Dr. Tony Alto, parody mob boss and professor in the department of microbiology and immunology. “Anyone who has been afflicted by so-called salmonella is a sensitive little bitch boy whose mommy doesn’t love him.”

Alto refused to comment on how boys whose mommies do love them deal with salmonella exposure.

By injecting liquified raw chicken into individual intestinal cells, researchers found that cells grew 800 per cent larger, 900 per cent thicker and developed muscular little limbs, evocative of your favourite creatine-guzzling fitness influencer du jour.

“Advanced gym goers are tired of the standard push, pull, legs regiment. They’re on the lookout for new body parts to grind,” said the disembodied voice of Dr. Ron Sener, associate gains advisor in UBC’s department of student athleteology. “Processing raw chicken is the closest your digestive system can get to competing in an Ironpan Triathlon.”

Open Kitchen is going full steam ahead introducing as much raw poultry as possible, with their new chicken tartare starting on the menu this Tuesday. Additional menu features include a raw egg carpaccio, uncooked chicken and tire iron smoothie and a chicken breast purée oatmeal topped with human stomach acid gelée and raw pork crumb — a protein notorious for the beneficial introduction of the tapeworm to one’s internal ecosystem.

“Just remember, if you can see blood, your meal won’t be a dud! Wait, shit, that rhyme sucks — cut that out.”