If you’re an employee of UBC, chances are you’ve been asked at least once about fall reading break by a haggard, irritable student. Unless it’s got the word “donor” in front of it, things like “mental wellbeing,” “long-overdue” and “no, I don’t want to hear another TED Talk” start to sound like complete gibberish.
So to help you interpret the strange jibber jabber that students use when trying to advocate for completely reasonable and fairly straightforward changes, here are some sample phrases and their meanings to get you through.
“Can we have a fall reading break?” = “Fall reading break? That would be an organizational nightmare! You’d have to be a multimillion dollar organization capable of coordinating thousands of events and meetings to be able to do that. We’re fine as is.”
“It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if UBC had decent support for students.” = “That stress ball you handed out on Imagine Day solved my crippling depression!”
“I’ve been on the waitlist for UBC Psychiatry for six months.” = “Ono’s Instagram solves all of my problems! I wish I had that much time for social media every day.”
“Why isn’t there a fall reading break yet?” = “I find the increase in international tuition to be completely agreeable.”
“This is actually a really important issue.” = “You know what’s a really important issue? The lack of Rain or Shines on campus.”
“Why can’t you people figure this out?” = “Take your time. We understand that you have massive investment portfolios to oversee.”
“I really need a few days to not think about the overwhelming possibility that my degree won’t get me a career in my field and I’ll have to move back in with my parents while working part-time at Red Robin to try to scrape together enough money for a basement suite in New West filled with rats.” = “I would like to play with therapy dogs for 15 minutes.”