We all know the most important issue at universities these days is whether or not they serve as a podium for middle-aged men to yell about how Marxists made their dicks not work anymore. And since learning about policy shit would require actual effort, Canada’s higher education thinkpiece generators are in a bind whenever Lindsay Shepherd isn’t palling around with Nazis.
The content mines are running dry and clicks don’t come easy, baby.
At last, a solution! Guest Globe and Mail reporter Andy Roo was kind enough to take time away from quote-tweeting Jardon Porterson to pen a gleefully sycophantic fluff piece on one of the most powerful people in the country.
Keep an eye on the Globe Sunday edition for Roo’s 10,000-word feature about how bike lanes encourage sexual deviancy.
1. Hi Dr. Oh-No — first of all, thanks so much for sitting down with me today.
That counts as a question.
2. Seriously?
That too.
3. Fuck. Okay — what is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being the president of the University of Cincinnati.
4. Which living person do you most admire?
Hahaha, what? What kind of a dumbass question is that? I most admire… fuckin’... Yo-Yo Ma, how about that? Now you have to print that the person I most admire in the entire world is Yo-Yo Ma. Feeling like a fool now, little man?
5. Which living person do you most despise?
Adolf Hitler.
6. Oh, I said, “Living person.”
Oh! Then Joseph Stalin.
7. What’s the best present you’ve ever been given?
The presidency of the University of Cincinnati.
8. What is your most prized possession?
My wife.
9. Your wife is your–
I named my cello “my wife.”
10. Oh.
Yeah.
11. What do you want people to remember you for?
Christ, we're still doing this?
12. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I’ve always wanted to be the president of the University of Cincinnati.
13. What are your thoughts on the UBC strategic plan?
It’s cute that you think I read that.
14. What are your personal politics?
I’m a diehard supporter of — and then could you just put the current president of BC there? Thanks.
15. What is your proudest accomplishment as UBC president?
Pass.
16. What’s your number one goal for the upcoming year?
Pass.
17. What’s your favourite Thunderbirds team?
The Cincin– wait. Uh, pass.
18. On what occasion do you lie?
Whenever anyone asks me how it’s going.
19. That’s dark.
Yeah. I guess also to my actual wife, when she asks why my cello lessons take so long.
20. What is your motto?
People will forget what you’ve said and what you’ve done, but will never forget that you were the president of the University of Cincinnati.