Whenever I stroll down Main Mall or attend an event on campus, I am swarmed by students who want only a glimpse, a touch, a handshake with me.
Some are so bold as to request a pinch of my bowtie, a caress of my perfectly-toned forearms or a lock of my lightly-mussed hair.
But the absolute worst of the swarmers are the students who use this opportunity to unfairly strike me and the institution I single-handedly embody in the swarmiest way possible: by asking a question about international tuition.
Luckily, I’ve developed some strategies for averting their attacks. Here are my tips. You’re welcome.
The Blind Side
You may have seen me employ this one at the Winter Classic and other big, distractions events on campus. Rather than waiting for students to approach me, I’ll attack first and ask to take their photo. It works to perfection!
First, the Blind Side catches students off guard and flatters them, giving me some time for a quick getaway. It also builds up my persona as a humble Man-of-the-People who cares more about representing students than his own image – barf! The best part is it provides fodder for online presence.
The Diversion
If the Blind Side fails and a student is able to pop the question, my last line of defense is to change the subject and run away like a Scooby-Doo character.
Here’s an example of how this typically looks:
Student: President Ono, can you explain to me why, as a first-year international Sauder student, I pay nine times as much as my domestic counterparts?
Me: Hey, look! Is that Carter the Coyote?
Student: Pardon?
I then jump high, run in the air for three seconds and then sprint as fast as I can to the closest sextuple decker sandwich.
Unoriginal, I know. But trust me, it works!