As the president of a perfect university, it is my duty to respond to controversy on behalf of the administration. It’s crucial to make sure everyone knows UBC is truly “a place of mind” where every opinion that doesn't sway too far from the milquetoast norms of higher education is welcomed.
Here I have outlined my strategy for remaining strategically neutral to ensure I remain the millennial-friendly president my publicist proclaims me to be.
Abortion protests
Once a year, when the anti-abortion displays go up outside the Nest, people hang out and get mad at each other. Some say it's unnecessary and should not be allowed, and others argue whatever the opposite of that is. I address the issues by saying they're both important points with a vague statement that doesn't promise action on either side.
“Freedom of speech is a fundamental aspect of UBC, and so is, uh, being a woman.”
Tuition raising
I’m told I should look like the cool president who advocates for affordability. But I also need to keep the donors happy by constantly building things, so I find it’s best to just say we won’t break the law and hope people assume that’s meaningful.
“UBC will continue to respect the provincially-mandated two per cent limit on tuition increases. We will also continue to respect the laws on racketeering, dairy farming and homicide.”
Housing affordability
There may be not enough beds on campus for students, and many more are struggling to commute from whatever is outside of UBC. But I’ve been told to remind people that I don't control the housing market and make sure to say “strategic action plan.” Again, try just saying a fact, followed by something that’s impossible to prove. That way no one can say you’re wrong!
“The Vancouver rental market affects all of us, but UBC remains committed to affordable student housing. UBC is really broken up that you can’t afford to pay rent and eat, but at the end of the day, that’s not UBC’s problem.”
Existence of Bigfoot
With our campus being in the Pacific Northwest, the forest creature known as Bigfoot is hotly debated. People say that he’s a myth, but there could very well be Bigfoot sympathizers on campus. Always have to be careful!
“I have never seen Bigfoot with my own eyes, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it existed.”