Dear everyone,
It is time to apologize for and address a long, long historical issue.
I’m sorry you’re not UBC, and I’m sorry we make you look bad.
University of Toronto, you’re killing it! — but you’re not quite at our level. Have you tried installing a $400,000 sidewalk art piece? The Douglas fir is already taken, so maybe you could go with something that represents the city of Toronto? Like Drake, or sad people?
McGill, you used to be top dog! I’m sorry we stole your thunder. Maybe try harder! Have you looked into being elitist? Oh! You have. What about being super annoying about everything? Oh, you’ve tried that too, eh? Well I’m at a loss here.
And to Berkeley, Harvard and all you other American schools, yes, you’ve got some fancy “prestige” and “nobel laureates,” but you just don’t have the same adorable inferiority complex that we here at UBC are truly proud of.
I’ve been hearing rumours of a place called SFU. I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure they’re doing their best.
Sincerely,
Satan Oh-No