Ask Natalie: Sex edition

“Dear Natalie, 

I’m going to start having sex soon, but I’m worried it’s going to be awkward. There’s so much hype around your first time and I feel like there’s all this pressure to make it special or whatever. What do you think?”

Most importantly, your sex life involves only two people — you and your partner (unless you have an understanding otherwise). No one else is really involved. Your life is not a movie set with 10 people filming and getting the lights right. No one else can judge your experience and decide if it’s “special,” or “magical” or whatever. It’s just you and whomever you decide to sleep with. 

If you want to have sex in a hotel after prom with candles and rosé, go ahead. If you want to do it in your dorm room when your roommate’s in class, that’s cool. If you never want to have sex, or if you want to wait until marriage, that’s fine too. Your sex life is none of anyone’s business, except for you and your partner(s). Your first time having sex is going to be special because you were there. Don’t worry about making it special, just be sure you are 100 per cent ready and okay with it.

As for first time awkwardness, sure. It will probably be weird. Do you remember the first time you rode a bike? No, because you sucked at it, fell over and hit your head. Hopefully that doesn’t happen to you during your first time having sex, but you get the point. Sex is like anything else. You’re probably going to suck a little at first.

It gets better.

Lube.

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“Natalie,

How do you sext?”

In many cases, poorly.

I’m kidding. But in all seriousness, by communicating with your partner. Talk it out with them and get to know what they are and aren’t comfortable with. They may be cool with some dirty talk, but not fine with nudes. They may love sending nude photos, but hate sending text messages of a sexual nature. Also, it's okay not to send nudes if you don't want to.

Respect people’s limits and play within them. I’m not going to tell you how to sext in detail because, honestly, I don’t really want to be that involved in your sex life, but I’m sure the internet has great examples you can work off of.

Just as a PSA: Sending unsolicited dick pics to anyone isn’t cool. And that goes beyond gender here. Do not send unsolicited nudes to people. They may not want them and they may open their snapchat in front of their friends — or worse, family.

Make sure you trust whomever you send explicit stuff to. Seriously.

 

“Hey Natalie,

How do I become better at sex? I try, but… it doesn’t seem to work out a lot of the time. I want to be a better partner in bed because my partner is wonderful and I feel like I’m letting them down by not being as good or as experienced as they are. What should I do to make rocking my world rock?”

Communication! Surprisingly to some, the most important part of good sex is found outside the bedroom. Communicate! What do you want? What does your partner like? What do you wish your partner would do? What are your fantasies and desires? These are all things that you generally talk about outside the bedroom when everyone is out of the heat of the moment.

If you’re worried about not fulfilling your partner’s sex life, then tell them you want to get better and ask if there is anything you can do better or differently. You don’t have to do anything, mind you. Your comfort level should always be taken into consideration, but it may be as simple as being more involved during sex (i.e. not just lying there) or being more vocal… or less vocal. One must respect the roommates.

If you just feel like it’s not right yet, there are tons of websites online that can help you with ideas, positions, communication, whatever. A quick Google can really help. There's everything from YouTube videos and women’s health magazines, to Reddit threads and Cosmopolitan, although I’ve heard very mixed things about Cosmos’ sex advice.

You are able to have a fantastic sex life, you just have to go out there and grab it by the balls… so to speak.

 

“Dear Natalie,

Does having a one night stand make me, I don’t know, a slut?”

Nope, and I don’t allow slut shaming around here. If you want to sleep with a hundred million people, go ahead because I think I missed the memo where your sex life became public gossip. As long as you’re comfortable with the choices you’re making, I don’t see why anyone should tell you to stop what you’re doing.


Need advice? Contact Natalie anonymously at asknatalie@ubyssey.ca and have your questions answered in an upcoming issue.